Rules Are Rules
by Tafkae
Summary: Chapter 7 updated! Yoh and Luffy meet the forces of irony, and Yami Bakura finally makes his move! About time, too... Bakura the Typical Psycho vs. Keiei the Evil Mary Sue Ninja Ice Girl! Stay tuned, R&R, flames welcome!
1. Better Stop Before It Gets Any Longer

Rules Are Rules

Chapter 1 - Better Stop This Chapter Before It Gets Any Longer 

A shameless parody by Taffy. It's you all I'm making fun of. You hear me? YOU!!! MUAHAHA! 

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This fanfic used to be on , but it was removed very rudely. I'm putting it back up now. The reviews from its first run can be found in the website link from my userpage. They greatly enrich the chapters, especially chapter 2, which doesn't make any sense without them. And now on to the original text of the story._

It was a dark and stormy night. Wasn't stormy though. I just wanted to start this out that way. But it was pretty dark, considering that I started typing at 10:35 PM, Friday night, on a whim. I doubted this mood would be the same when I mocked Shaman King in the morning. I felt like mocking Yu-Gi-Oh fanfics right now. That doesn't happen often. 

(This piece of crap is based on all the other pieces of crap in the Yu-Gi-Oh section of I do very little research to protect my already limited sanity. I'm not saying your story sucks. However, nine-tenths of them seem to. Yours might well. Exclusions: Chibizoo and several others whose names I forget. It's 10:38 PM.}

* * *

Starting over. It was a dark and unstormy night that Lisa decided to do a self-inclusion work. But this would not be just ANY self-inclusion work. It would be better than most, and thus no one would ever read it. 

She looked over her research materials again. Evidently she would need to kidnap characters to do her disclaimer for her. They would not necessarily be Yu-Gi-Oh characters. She glanced at her arsenal. 

"Something obscure that relatively few people have ever heard of much less care about," she muttered. 

Eventually she pulled out Yugi, Yoh, and Luffy without telling anyone what series any of them were from. "Ohoho. Yoh and Luffy are relatively new arrivals to the States, so no one will question them. Why? Because Yugi is there too, and that makes everything better." 

"Can I go home now?" said Yoh. 

"Shut up," said Lisa. "You three need to do my disclaimer for me." 

"Why?" said Luffy. 

Lisa looked at her research fodder again. "Becauuuuuse... I'll hurt you otherwise." 

"What for?!" 

"That's what all the fangirl authors do." 

"Don't you mean authorESSes?" said Yugi cautiously. 

Lisa checked a dictionary. "Hm. Contrary to my belief, it is a word. However, Webster says 'the word is not very much used, author being commonly applied to a female writer as well as to a male.' Plus, 'authoresses' is too clunky a word, and I wish it to be banished from proper English. But rules are rules, I suppose." 

"There are rules for this?" said Luffy incredulously. 

"Of course there are. And one of them is that I have to kidnap anime characters and force them against their wills to do disclaimers, which I think are redundant and unnecessary, but rules are rules." 

Yugi raised his hand. "I don't really want to do a disclaimer." 

Lisa pulled out a shiny meat tenderizer. "And I don't want to hurt you, but rules are rules." 

"What's a disclaimer?" said Luffy innocently. 

"A disclaimer is a reduntant proclamation that the material about which you write does not belong to you, despite the fact that it is being posted on ," Lisa explained. "You are to say that Yu-Gi-Oh and everything about it belongs to Kazuki Takahashi, who I am not." 

"But you just said it." 

"That's why it's redundant. Say it anyway or I'll hit you." 

"But I'm made of rubber." 

"Then I'll hit Yoh. I'm sure he won't mind." 

Luffy sighed. "Fine... Yu-Gi-Oh and everything about it belongs to Kazuki Takahashi and not Lisa, as Lisa is not Kazuki Takahashi." 

Lisa applauded. "Very good. But something seems wrong here..." 

At that time Yugi decided to be helpful. "Shouldn't the long, rambling author's notes at the beginning all be in Crappy Script Style #2?" 

Lisa checked her notes. "By Jove, he's got it! And by law, I am to snuggle you now." And she did. 

Yugi: Rules are rules? 

Lisa: Yeah, but you're also squishy. 

Yugi: In real life that face isn't physically possible. 

Lisa: ignores him Luffy, repeat the disclaimer! Now! 

Luffy: sighs again Why me? 

Lisa: Because I have a meat tenderizer and a Yoh. 

Yoh: Leave me out of this. 

Luffy: Fine... Yu-Gi-Oh and everything about it belongs to Kazuki Takahashi and not Lisa, as Lisa is not Kazuki Takahashi. 

Lisa: clap clap clap 

Yugi: Oo I can feel the intellectual level of this story going downhill every second! It feels like a chat room! 

Lisa: I know people who punctuate in chat rooms. 

Yugi: --in an online RPG! 

Lisa: BY GOD, HES RITE!!!!1 

Yo: wakes up have wedegraded in to crappy scriptstyle #1. 

L: the diference between 1&2 is profeading, we must plul out of it before itis to late!!!1 

Yu: lisa use you're authoress powers 

Lisa: It's AUTHOR powers, porcupine head! 

Yugi: OO You just insulted me! 

Lisa: pats Yugi on the back I'm sorry. Poor conventions make me woozy. And Crappy Script Style #2 still frightens me. We should leave it behind as soon as possible. 

She glanced down at her notes again. "That does it for the author's notes," she added. "Next, we need a dumb and unlikely premise. Unfortunately, I am notoriously bad at coming up with those." 

"Then what'll you do?" said Yoh. 

Lisa flung aside a curtain, revealing one thousand monkeys wreaking havoc on one thousand typewriters. A banana peel flew from the chaos and landed on Luffy's face. 

"They said," said Lisa, "that if one thousand monkeys were given one thousand typewriters, they would eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. I have found this to be totally false." She pulled a leaf of paper from the nearest typewriter. "However, I _have_ discovered that if one thousand monkeys are given one thousand typewriters, they can eventually reproduce much of the fanfiction on the internet today. Case in point, a word-for-almost-indecipherable-word copy of 'A Disaster Play.' Now my friends and I suspect that the original was also written by monkeys, only the original monkeys were not native English-speakers." 

"Monkeys can't talk," said Yugi. 

"Yes I can," said Luffy, whose first name was Monkey, for some reason. 

"But they can type," said Lisa. "That's the whole point of this sad excuse for a story. All we have done so far is prove that 1) disclaimers are irrelevant, 2) author's notes are too long, and 3) monkeys can type." 

"I imagine you'll get flamed for this," Yoh sighed. 

To everyone's surprise, Lisa broke out in hysterical laughter. "Of course I won't get flamed!" she exclaimed when she could breathe again. "No one reads or reviews my stories except sometimes Zoo or a random person of whom I've never heard. And I certainly have never gotten flamed for anything I wouldn't flame myself." 

"You've written that kind of crap?" Luffy asked incredulously. 

"Much as I hate to admit it," said Lisa, hanging her head. 

"She's killed me at least three times," Yugi pointed out. 

"That's irrelevant," said Lisa, "everybody kills you. Even Takahashi kills you. Or at least beats you. You should quit and start working for CLAMP or something." 

Yugi shuddered. "Please, I get enough dirty things written about me in fanfiction..." 

"Which leads us to the next point," said Lisa, continuing to the next nearest typewriter and pulling out the paper in it. "Let's see... from what I can make out, this idea is a karaoke party at Kaiba's house, which Kaiba has thrown to entice Jounouchi so he can get him in bed." 

Yoh sat up straight. "WHAT?" 

"Well, that's what it says. And I've heard of it happening, too, so that one's no good." She tossed the paper over her shoulder and picked up another one. 

"But they're worst enemies," said Yoh. "Why would they want to sleep with each other?" 

"Ask the monkeys," said Lisa with an indifferent shrug. "Like I said, I can't come up with anything this awful. Let's see... this next one calls for YxY, RxB, YMxM, and KxJ. But that's it. Typical..." 

Luffy and Yoh blinked simultaneously. Yugi could be heard moaning softly in the background. Finally Luffy spoke up. "Um, what do all those letters mean? I thought we were doing satire, not calculus..." 

"RxB stands for a Ryou and Bakura pairing," Yugi explained wearily. "YMxM means Yami Malik and Malik. KxJ is Kaiba and Jounouchi." 

"Meaning, of course, YxY is Yugi and Yami," Lisa finished, saving Yugi the torture of saying it. "I read somewhere that if you use a plus sign, the relationship is just boyfriend-boyfriend. But the 'x' implies a sexual relationship." 

Silence reigned. 

Finally Yoh asked, "But except for Kaiba and Jounouchi, all of them are sharing bodies, right? And that would imply--" 

"I don't get it either, Yoh," said Lisa. 

"And the Kaiba and Jounouchi thing still doesn't make sense," Yoh continued. "That'd be like... like... someone pairing up me and Ren!" 

"Apparently that doesn't strike anyone but us as unusual," Lisa replied, grabbing another sheet of paper and fending off a monkey with her meat tenderizers. 

"But Ren tried to kill me!" 

"If you were to look, I'm sure that you could find Yoh x Ren stories out there, too. It's inevitable, if there's more than one character of either sex in a show, there will inevitably be _inconceivable_ gay pairings, even if it's quite clear in the show AND manga that the characters are straight. I think the safest way around that would be to write a manga where the only two people in the universe are one boy and one girl." She calmly bricked a monkey. "I bet the fangirls would find a way around that too, though." 

"Now _I'm_ confused, too," said Luffy. 

"Welcome to the world of fanfiction," Lisa sighed. "Now this next one says nothing but 'sugar,' 'Mountain Dew,' 'Karma Jolt,' 'Skittles,' and 'party.'" 

"You wrote something like that once," said Yugi. 

"No, I had Mountain Dew, Skittles, pizza, Jewish clerks, beer, and party," said Lisa. "You gotta start keeping track of which fic is which." 

"Sorry." 

"No harm done. Still, I've done this already, so it won't be any fun to mock." She took yet another piece of paper from yet another typewriter. 

"How long is this gonna take?" said Yoh tiredly. 

A grin slowly spread across Lisa's face. "Ohohohoho... we've hit rock-bottom gold." 

"What's it say?" said Luffy. 

"'A new duelist comes to Domino High School. She is very pretty but turns out to be evil and wants to kill Yami and trap all his friends' souls in Duel Monster cards because she has a grudge against Yami,'" Lisa read. "It's gold parody shit. The only thing worse than a Mary Sue is an Evil Mary Sue, especially one with a grudge against Yami for a very stupid reason which is never explored. I almost wrote one of these, but I came to my senses before the story exceeded two pages, fortunately. I drew her, though. And it wasn't a half-bad drawing, considering it was two years ago..." 

"Are we gonna get on with it?" said Yoh. 

"I don't wanna get on with it," said Yugi, "I always get beaten in these..." 

"Quit whining. She's coming back," said Lisa determinedly, digging like a mole through her old files. "Aha - her name was Keiei Yamamoto. She looks like a Mary Sue, Yugi reacts to her like she's a Mary Sue, Jounouchi has a crush on her like she's a Mary Sue, and she can do ninja shit, Pegasus shit, and ice magic, which is not shit except in her hands. She is a perfect example of an Evil Mary Sue. I can't believe her story was seven pages long when I gave myself the boot-to-the-head." Lisa passed out from the trauma of her old writing, woke up, and pulled herself to her feet. 

"Keiei the sexy brunette, then," she said. "Luffy! Yoh! Kindly bind and gag yourselves and sit quietly in the corner. We're going to have a little chat with Miss Keiei." 

Yugi whimpered. 

It was 12:37 AM, Saturday morning.

* * *

Yoh poked Lisa. "You almost forgot the pathetic plea for reviews," he said. 

"Oh yeah," said Lisa. "Thank you." 

"What's that?" said the still-oblivious Luffy, who was busily tying himself up. 

"If you don't plead for reviews as if your life depends on them, you won't get them, and you'll never have any proof that anyone has ever taken the time to read your work," Lisa explained. "So, Yugi, which plea do you think I should use? The death-threat, the suicide note, or the Traditional?" 

"I've never heard any of them," said Yugi. 

Lisa stared at him like he was simple for a moment, then elaborated. "The death-threat: '**_REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR I SHALL EAT YOUR PATHETIC MORTAL SOUL!_**' The suicide note: 'If you don't review, I won't have anything to live for and I'll jump off a bridge! You can't stop me except by reviewing!' And the traditional: 'Read and Review Please!' Which one should I do?" 

"I'd go with the death-threat," said Yugi. "It worked for your art thread." 

"You know Lisa," said Yoh, "this chapter is full of jokes that only you understand. Is there a reason for that?" 

"Yes," said Lisa, "why pander to my reviewers' desires when no one will review this anyway? Unless, of course, I let them know that I know where they live and that **_IF THEY DON'T REVIEW I SHALL EAT THEIR PATHETIC MORTAL SOULS!!!_**" 


	2. Marshmallow Roast

Rules Are Rules

Chapter Two: Marshmallow Roast 

A shameless parody by Taffy. I may or may not be making fun of you. But if I am... you know who you are. Or at least I hope you do, you silly people. 

WARNING! This chapter contains a mostly intelligent rebuttal to a long, mindless flame. If that bores you and there is a chapter 3, you may skip to that. If there is no chapter 3, then go find some crap to read. But if you plan to flame this chapter COUGHlikeunicaCOUGH, at least read it first.

* * *

It was 5:53, Sunday afternoon. Lisa came home to find a small pile of letters sitting next to a raging fire, in the middle of her living room. 

"Yoh, is that one of your spirit flame things?" she asked Yoh, who was in the kitchen rooting through the cupboards. 

"No," said Yoh. "I'm inclined to think the chapter was flamed." 

Lisa let out a loud whoop and did a little dance. "ALL RIGHT! A FLAME! It's time to dig through the mailbag - Rich Tosches style!" 

"Who's Rich Tosches?" asked Yoh. 

"The satirist in the local paper. He gets flamed a lot, so he mercilessly mocks his flames. Are there any marshmallows in there?" 

"Yeah, a few bags." 

"Well, bring 'em out. And some sticks. We're having a roast." She skipped giddily back into the living room and set up benches around the flame. "Oh-- I almost forgot. Luffy! Disclaimer!" 

Luffy didn't answer. He had bound and gagged himself and was sitting quietly in the corner. Lisa decided they could do without a disclaimer this chapter, despite the fact that rules were rules. She picked up the stack first, just as Yoh came in with the marshmallows. Yugi also arrived at about this time and kindly ungagged Luffy. 

"All right," said Lisa, lifting a randomly appearing mug of hot cocoa and the top letter in the stack. "CotP - thank you for your support. As for the serieses, you are absolutely right." 

She picked up the second letter. "Ethel, thank you for sharing my position on yaoi. I too have written script-style - what I'm saying is it tends to degrade any intellectual content it might have had. There's a reason we don't study plays other than Shakespeare in English class. And yes, those typewriters get very nasty. 

"Sakuuya, hypocrisy is an overall thing. If I _regularly_ did Mary Sues and CSS #1, then you could call this hypocritical. Otherwise, thanks for your support. 

"Cygna, I never said I was making fun of you. I was using the plural you. However, OCs are often synonymous to Mary Sues. Yours may not be. I'm too lazy to read your work, but Yami Malik is so creepy-looking that I'll root for Eltar, whoever he/she is. 

"No name.... I'll call you Jhonka. Of course I'm writing it for fun, Jhonka. Thank you for the typical review response. And the insult. None taken - gotta have a thick skin to write satire. 

"Itai Tenshi... Nevermind. You have written a safe review. Wussy, but safe. 

"Zuzanny, read CotP's letter. And I _know_ it was my death-threat that did it. Come on, fess up. 

"Phew!" Lisa set the seven letters aside. "That was a lot of reviews. More than I get for anything I put any kind of effort into. I forgot I had wanted to make fun of that, too." 

"I brought the marshmallows," said Yoh. 

"Thank you," replied Lisa. "Distribute the sticks, please. Two marshies each for starters. We'll read whilst we roast. This is from someone named Unica. Who, incidentally, is someone of whom I have never heard. Apparently I have mocked her favorite pairing (YamixYugi). I have never heard of this Yamix either." 

"The 'x' implies a sexual relationship," said Luffy. 

"Very good, Luffy. Have you been taking notes?" 

"I can't, I'm tied up." 

"And whose fault is that? Moving on. I do not know this 'Yu,' so her threat is also empty." 

She held her marshmallows over Unica's review. "Hon, everyone thinks their work is 'not like that.' It isn't always, but I'm too lazy to be informed. Yes, we do have freedom of the press here in America, which is why I'm replying to your flame rather than trying to have it removed. As for Joey and Kaiba, what are the chances of Kaiba being nice to him? In the canon universe they can't stand each other enough for them to be friends, so I have no clue where anyone gets that idea. And everyone tortures Yugi. It's one of the rules, evidently." 

"I don't like that particular rule," said Yugi, nibbling on his lightly toasted marshmallow. 

"Neither do I," said Lisa. "Unica wants to put you in the CLAMP world, though... I wonder what you'd look like in _shoujo_ style. I'll have to ask Denise about that." 

"I'd probably be either nine years old or a girl if I worked for CLAMP," Yugi sighed. 

"Yeah. Now comes the part I don't have to refute in a civilized way, but I will anyway - the list." Lisa stuffed a charred marshmallow in her mouth but was kind enough to chew and swallow it before continuing. "Point #1 is the typical response to a perceived assault on one's opinion. Paraphrased, it reads, 'You don't think the same thing I do, so you're stupid.' Now, I remember this bedroom scene and I don't think Miss Unica has a point here. The hand-touching was innocent and meant to be reassuring - Yami said at the same time, 'I believe in you.' This has virtually no romantic connotation considering how sappy Yu-Gi-Oh is. Now, as for an astro field - I have no idea whatsoever what that is." 

"Stargazing might be interpreted as staring at an astro field," Yoh pointed out. 

"That's true, but I haven't seen anyone stargaze since Duelist Kingdom. On to point #2, which can be paraphrased as, 'You're stupid.' It is at this time that I would like to inform Miss Unica that I have seen every episode up through halfway through Joey vs. Yugi in Battle City (at which point I got royally sick of the sappiness and stopped), and have archived from 35 to 72 on about ten VHS cassettes. So don't be telling me what I have and haven't watched. I know all about the soul room concept and I also know it is largely ignored in fanfiction." 

"It is not," said Yami, who had just sat down and started toasting his marshmallow. 

"I didn't know you could create a corporeal form of your own," said Yugi, who was seated next to him. 

"Sure I can," said Yami. "Don't you read fanfiction? It's a device to get us apart so that fangirls can have one of us without getting stuck with the other. They do the same thing to Bat-head and Malik. And chibis." 

"Actually," said Lisa, "that varies from story to story. As I am a big stickler for canon, in my world, you _can't_ create your own body." 

"Aw, damn," said Yami, and with a small POP! he was gone. His marshmallow fell into Unica's letter and burnt to a crisp, but Lisa was still happy to fish it out and ate it with much ceremony. 

"Burnt marshmallows are nasty," said Yoh, who had just finished toasting his to a light golden brown color. 

"Well, you're a slacker," said Lisa. "Let's continue. Point #3 states that Yami is in fact neuter and just decided to look like Yugi because he doesn't remember what he really looked like, and then the pharaoh arc has him look the same because Takahashi-sama is lazy. This is highly possible, but I don't see what it has to do with anything." 

Yami took over Yugi's body, protested briefly, and then left to sulk in his soul room. 

"Yes, Yami, we all know you're a manlyman. We have more points to cover. Point #4 says something about them not really being flip sides of a coin, and not soul partners. I don't get it. And then there's the critical AIBOU point." 

"You keep using that word," said Yoh to the fanfictionists. 

"What word?" said someone in the audience. 

"Aibou. You keep saying that. I do not think it means what you think it means." 

"Precisely," said Lisa. "Aibou, having the pronounciation of 'ai' in it, is assumed to pertain to love. **IT DOES NOT!** It translates to 'partner, pal, accomplice' by Jeffrey's dictionary. If you'll look, it does not even contain the kanji for love, which is found in the second entry of the page." She handed out the address to the readers. ?sDict=on&H=PS&L=J&T=aibou&WC=none&fg=w&S=26&I=on 

"I hope you feel better informed now. And be careful peppering your work with Japanese, folks. Some people don't speak it. Chances are you don't either. At least look it up before you put it in." 

Luffy grinned. "This public service announcement was brought to you by _The Fans Who Like To Read In English Organization_," he said. 

"Thank you, Luffy," said Lisa. "Now, moving on to point #5. If you bother to PAY ATTENTION, you'd notice that Anzu is actually not a bad-looking girl and Yugi or Yami's attraction to her (despite that Yami always seems to treat her more like a friend and less like a girlfriend, even in the early days of the manga) is not a sign of the apocalypse! And on a side note, Yugi could make ANYONE give him an ACTUAL happy smile. Any blushing on Yugi's part may have been a trick of the light and I would check that in the referee's review box if my friend wasn't still borrowing my Yu-Gi-Oh tapes. It was a cute moment, sure, but not AMOROUS. 

"And as for point #6, Yami was trapped in a dark, lonely puzzle, UNCONSCIOUS, and then all of a sudden, a bright is shone and he's free and he thinks he's Yugi. That may not be the truth - as mentioned in Chapter 1, I am not Kazuki Takahashi - but that is my personal belief, disagree if you will." 

"After all, the only point of opinions is for people to have something to argue and beat each other up over," said Yoh nonchalantly, affixing another couple of marshmallows to his stick and holding it over the fire again. 

"And as for the LONG point #7, I may need several paragraphs," said Lisa. "For one thing, 'nincompoop' is spelled with an 'o' between c and m. And for another thing, name-calling is unnecessary. And please do not attack my fandom; I have been trying to translate the third ending song for months (but as a beginning Japanese student, I am making very slow progress). Now tell me, please, Miss Unica, since when did Takahashi-sama start writing the theme songs? In all probability it has very little or nothing to do with the show. And call me skeptical, but I am not inclined to believe any love song has a definite target unless the name is mentioned. Love songs are weird that way." 

"Kind of an 'I love everybody' thing?" Yugi tried. 

"Exactly," said Lisa. "And of course Yami was devastated when Yugi ... died? Was it died?" 

"I think it was died." 

"Died. Of course Yami was devastated when Yugi died against Pegasus. Wouldn't you be devastated if your brother, or your best friend, died right in front of you and you had to stand by and watch? I think you would be devastated. And the other friends never got any proof that Yugi had died." 

"They were all outside the indoor thunderstorm," said Yoh. 

"You're interrupting my intelligent rebuttal." 

"Sorry." 

"Point #8. Maybe Bakura _has_ kind of grown attached to Ryou. It's hard to rationalize that one." She paused. 

"Point #9," she continued. "Yami and Yugi are two different people. This is most certainly true. Only problem being, Miss Unica, they happen to be in the same body, and that makes having sex very difficult." 

"And what the heck is 'masTARbating'?" said Luffy. 

"Poor conventions," said Lisa. "Point #10, the last one, thank God. A love triangle needs only to have three people involved to be classified as such, such as Bob and Joe both falling in love with Susie, or something. Or both falling in love with Andrew, if you like that sort of thing. But it doesn't have to go all three ways. True, Yugi likes Anzu. Duh, Anzu likes Yami ('I wonder who that voice is that said "Let's play a game" ... after all, I've fallen in love with its owner!' Way to be subtle). But Yami does not have to be in love with Yugi for it to be a love triangle. Also, wearing tight leather does not make you gay, it just makes your artist weird. 

"True, this is the longest review I've ever gotten. However, I have one question to ask you. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?!" 

"I think she was trying to say that me and Yami are made for each other," said Yugi. 

"I have one question for her, too," said Yoh. "I was there, and I was paying attention, and I don't remember you insulting the YamixYugi coupling." 

"I don't remember that either," said Lisa. 

Just then a monkey dashed into the room and handed Lisa all five chapters of "Be not Nobody," which she proceeded to read all the way through. Halfway through chapter three, a river of hot cocoa erupted from her nose, putting out the flame. 

"Are you all right?" said Yugi concernedly. 

"Dear God, no. This story is so... so....." -- she stopped there and continued reading, unconsciously covering half her face with her shirt collar as if to keep out poisonous fumes, and muttering things to the effect of "Oh, fu--, oh, fu--," throughout. 

Halfway through chapter four, she could no longer force herself to keep reading, and handed the manuscript to Yoh. "Would you please have Amidamaru dispose of this for me?" 

"What is it?" said Yoh, looking curiously at the title. 

_"DON'T LOOK AT IT!_ It's the absolute corniest thing I've ever read! It's so corny you could butter it, salt it, eat it, and throw up! Hell, you don't even have to butter, salt, or eat it!" 

Yoh shrugged, integrated with Amidamaru, chopped the manuscript skillfully to pieces with a randomly appearing PVC pipe, and sat back down. 

"So what was _that_ one about?" said Yugi in a tone that meant he didn't want to know. 

Lisa regained her composure upon the destruction of the crapfic. "Basic summary: 'I'm Yugi and I like to mope. I meet Yami (an anime character I have the hots for) and within three minutes we're boyfriends. I try to kill myself anyway. And it must be perfect, because it's got 97 reviews.'" She summoned and skimmed the reviews. "And not one of those 97 reviews has any intelligent content whatsoever. I'm not just saying this because I don't like yaoi - even in and of itself, the story is like a really gross, really contrived soap opera." 

"But the critics love those," said Luffy. 

"Exactly. This, the reviews prove. People just take it in and never leave criticism of any sort. It's either poorly phrased pleas for more, or flames. If more people left constructive criticism rather than just taking a 'sonic bath,' as my choir director calls it, maybe we'd get some better stories." 

"Well, what about the people who _do_ leave constructive criticism?" said Yoh. 

"They can't stand reading bad stories," said Yugi. 

"So," said Lisa, "the moral of the story is, before you tell your brother to remove the speck from his eye, first remove the plank from your own. Or, in layman's terms, before you tell other people how to write good fanfiction, learn to do it yourself." 

Yugi and Luffy cringed. "That's _gotta_ sting," said Luffy. 

"Are we gonna have another marshie roast tomorrow?" said Yoh. 

"Probably," said Lisa. "I'm absolutely positive Unica will flame me again. But next time, we're inviting Keiei. Replying to reviews is fun and all, but I have more satire to do." 

"Wasn't this satire?" said Luffy. 

"Spontaneous satire doesn't count," said Lisa.

* * *

"You almost forgot the pathetic plea for reviews," said Yoh. 

"I don't need one anymore," said Lisa. "I mocked that already. And besides, this chapter is almost a plea for flames in and of itself. I expect them and I will probably refute them like I did Unica's. With Keiei's help, of course." 

"Does she _have_ to come?" Yugi whined. 

"Calm yourself, O Short One," said Lisa. "But maybe I can offer to give away a prize to anyone who reviews, because I forgot to mock that last time." 

"But what to give?" said Luffy. 

"What indeed?" Lisa replied. "Ah, I know! I'll give a Blood-Covered-Yugi plushie to anyone who replies. Unless you would like an alternate prize, which can be arranged. Just remember, beggars can't be choosers." 

"That's rather ominous," said Yoh. 

"Yes, I know," said Lisa, "isn't it grand?" 


	3. Something Wicked This Way Comes

Rules Are Rules

Chapter Three: Something Wicked This Way Comes 

A shameless parody by Taffy. I'm SO making fun of you. Unless I'm not.

* * *

It was 6:55 Saturday evening. A spider dangled down in front of Yoh's face and he swatted it out of the way. "Damn cobwebs," he muttered. 

"If you'd help out here, it wouldn't be as hard to get rid of them," said Yugi somewhat bitterly, dusting up in a corner. 

"Why bother?" said Yoh. "It'll be just as long till what's-her-name writes the next chapter after this." 

"Man, you must have been bored staying here the whole time that she wasn't writing," said Luffy. "If you didn't have anything else to do, you could have joined my pirate crew." 

"Too much work," said Yoh. 

Just then Lisa walked in, kicking Yoh absentmindedly in the shin as she walked by, and causing a loud yelp from said Yoh. She was carrying a small stack of papers on top of several neatly folded piles of navy blue cloth. "I should really come here more often. The monkeys have left a lot of reviews since I've been gone. I'll never be able to respond to them all," she murmured. "Ah well. I guess I'll just have to pick my favorites, like Strong Bad." 

"Can I make fun of their names?" said Luffy. 

"Absolutely," said Lisa. "WhyshouldItellyou: 'personally' is not spelled with semicolons." 

"And your name is stupid," said Luffy gleefully. 

"Unica: Thanks for agreeing with me on how corny your story is. And for totally _not_ explaining what the hell an astro field is." 

"And your name is stupid," said Luffy. 

Lisa scowled. "Mary-Sue: Thank you for liking me. AU's forever, but down with bad ones!" 

"And down with stupid names!" said Luffy. 

"Luffy, try not to insult people who support me." Lisa looked back at the reviews. "Misura, you may have an alternate prize: a chapter three! Merry Christmas." While she was on the topic of gifts, she tossed Cygna-hime a Blood-Covered-Yugi plushie. 

"Are their names stupid?" said Luffy. 

"Not especially, just their assuming I don't know Japanese has no plurals. Ah, and Candace, who was, interestingly enough, more rabidly defensive of Unica than Unica was. This one's not worth replying to, but I'll be gracious and say, well, if you think I majorly suck, then why do you read about me telling you that YOU majorly suck?" 

Everyone sat and thought for a moment. Finally, Yoh raised his hand. "Is it because she doesn't put spaces after punctuation marks?" 

"Just so she could flame us?" Yugi guessed. 

"I think it's because she's stupid!" said Luffy. 

"Very good!" said Lisa, and gave Luffy a cookie, which he proceeded to eat ravenously. 

"But then that begs the question of why _you_ read yaoi fics if you hate them so much," Yugi pointed out. 

Lisa paused for a moment. Then she finally said, "Research. In order to make fun of bad fanfiction, I have to know what it looks like. And a lot of bad fanfiction happens to be yaoi, though not all yaoi is necessarily poorly written, and not all crap is yaoi." 

"It's just so you can flame them, isn't it," said Yoh. 

"This is good cocoa," replied Lisa, taking a sip. "OoshatiElf, Nisey, as always, I love yaz. Now that's it for reviews. We've actually got _work_ to do today." 

Yoh moaned. "Do we have to?" 

Luffy grinned. "We get free lunch if we do." 

"Really?" said Yoh, perking up slightly. 

"Yep!" said Luffy. 

Yugi had found the small pile of cloth under the reviews. "Hey, aren't these the uniforms they use at my school?" 

"They most certainly are!" said Lisa. "Domino High School is getting three new exchange students today." She began counting on her fingers. "One's a shaman! One's a pirate! Aaaaaaaand, one's an Evil Mary Sue!" 

Yoh and Yugi moaned. Luffy just grinned again and said "All right! Can the pirate join my crew?"

* * *

It was another Tuesday at school, and it was a dreary one. It was cloudy and had been that way all day, and the clanks and thuds of hail on the roof made it hard to concentrate. Yugi silently cursed the day he had agreed to help Lisa make fun of her own fanfiction, because this was exactly the same way that the Evil Mary Sue story had started. He glanced over at the desk that the author had apparently claimed as hers, which was two rows over, and she shot him a thumbs-up, meaning she would change at least a few things. Somehow Yugi didn't feel terribly reassured. "It's like reliving a nightmare," he mumbled. 

Just then, Jounouchi staggered in, soaking wet, and slumped into his desk in front of Ryou's. "God damn it," he sighed. "If every day this month is gonna be like this, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... oh, never mind." 

"Good thing the teacher's too senile to notice you're late," said Honda. (A/N: I've actually had a substitute teacher like that...) 

"Did you say something?" Jounouchi asked Anzu. 

"No," said Anzu, surprised. 

Ryou's head abruptly fell onto his desk with a gentle _thud._ "Are you all right, Ryou?" Anzu asked him. 

Ryou mumbled something that sounded vaguely like "Amidamaru." 

The first bell droned for a few seconds. The class continued talking as if nothing had happened for at least ten minutes afterwards. Finally, Luffy, looking very uncomfortable in his nicely pressed school uniform, walked in from the hall and poked the hunchbacked old woman in the shoulder about twenty times. The teacher finally looked up through her inch-thick glasses and asked Luffy who he was. After a few _more_ minutes, she seemed to get the point and called the new students in. The old ones didn't bother to stop talking while she introduced Yoh and Luffy, who sat near Lisa, but when the third student entered the room everybody shut up. 

"And our third new student today is Miss Kaiba Yammynofo," said the teacher. 

"Keiei Yamamoto," the girl corrected her softly. She had strawberry-brown hair that fell - no, flowed - to her waist, and a slim, alluring figure. She waved shyly. 

Jounouchi smiled a little. "On second thought, maybe this won't be such a bad month after all." 

"Just wait a day or two," said Yugi forlornly. 

"Man, she's really pretty," said Luffy as Keiei sat down on the opposite side of the room. "Too bad you're engaged, eh Yoh?" 

"Too bad she's evil, eh Luffy?" said Yoh before going right to sleep.

* * *

It was lunchtime, and it was still raining. Yoh and Luffy approached where Yugi and his friends were sitting, and Yoh poked Yugi on the shoulder. "Oh, hi," said Yugi. 

"Lisa said you'd buy us lunch," said Yoh incisively. 

"She _what?!"_ Yugi exclaimed in disbelief. 

"She said you'd--" 

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you." 

"Then why'd you ask?" said Luffy. 

Yugi took out a few bills from his pocket and handed them to Yoh and Luffy, who left immediately, only to return thirty seconds later with nice hot obento lunches and sit down right near the guys. 

"Do you know those two?" Anzu asked Yugi. 

"I've seen them around," said Yugi. "So why are you eating with us?" 

"Demon Hottie is supposed to eat here, and we want in on the fun," said Yoh. 

"It's not gonna be fun!" Yugi shouted. 

"Well, not for _you_ maybe..." 

Just then Luffy laughed and pointed at Ryou, who was facedown in his mashed potatoes. "Ha ha! Look, guys! That albino kid's doing an impression of Yoh!" 

"Excuse me?" 

Everyone looked up to see the hot brunette girl, Keiei. Jounouchi and Honda began to resemble beets. Yoh turned off his headphones. 

"Hi, is there room for one more?" said Keiei. 

"Always," said Jounouchi, shoving the sleeping Ryou and the sleeping Ryou's mashed potatoes onto the floor. 

Honda elbowed Jounouchi. "Don't _wake_ him, Jounouchi. It's quite _obvious_ she'd rather sit next to _me."_

"You're mistaken, my friend," said Jounouchi, "she _obviously_ wants to sit next to _me."_

"No, she wants to sit by _me."_

"No, _me!"_

_"No, **me!**"_

_"NO, **ME!**"_

Honda pounced and began trying to claw Jounouchi's eyes out while Jounouchi tried to yank Honda's ears off. Keiei watched them with innocent-looking interest. "What's their problem?" she asked. 

"Y chromosome," said Anzu. "Here, have a seat." 

Keiei did. "So what're your names?" she asked. 

"I'm Anzu," said Anzu, "and this is Yugi. Shake hands, Yugi." 

"I'm not touching her," said Yugi quickly. "And besides, this is Japan. We bow." 

"That's nice, Yugi." 

"Wait a minute," said Keiei, her eyes widening quite perceptibly. "Are you the same Yugi who beat Kaiba and Pegasus?" 

_Oh God, I hate this part,_ Yugi thought. "Um, maybe." 

"Oh, wow!" She clasped her hands together, little stars appearing in her eyes. Anzu scowled. "I never actually thought... wow. And so humble about it, too!" 

Yugi looked anxiously from side to side in search of an exit. "Um, you're not just sucking up so you can lure the unsuspecting me into a dark alley and steal my soul, are you?" (A/N: Dargh! I keep trying to write soul as sould!!) 

"Did you say something?" said Keiei to Anzu. 

"No," said Anzu. "I thought _you_ did." 

Keiei shrugged. "Oh well. I'm into Duel Monsters too," she said happily. "I've even tried to make my own cards, but the holographic fields won't accept them." She slid three cards across the desks to Yugi. 

"Well, the art's really good, but I'm not touching them," said Yugi. "And besides, you haven't answered my question." 

"They don't work with the fields, you say?" said Anzu, tuning Yugi out. "I love this art. You should join DA or something." 

"I already have," said Keiei. "Do you know why they don't work? I've given them barcodes and everything. They look just like the official ones." 

There was a short pause. Then Luffy, assuming Yugi had forgotten his line, said, "Well, it's because they don't have hearts. That's what makes those cards work or not." 

"Luffy, you idiot!" Yugi hissed, holding his head in his hands. 

"Hm..." said Keiei, her expression brightening a little. "Well, what if I could _give_ them hearts?" 

"That'd probably do it!" laughed Anzu. "But the trouble is, where would you get one?" 

Yoh raised his hand. "I bet me and Anna could find some really bored ghosts to be your cards. I'm sure there's _somebody_ dead out there who would love something interesting to do." 

Keiei looked at him funny. "You're weird. There's no such thing as ghosts. I'd have to find a _real_ person who would fit the card." 

Yugi's eyes widened. "Please tell me Lisa changed the part about you being serious?" he said hopefully. 

"That would undermine the whole plot, shortcake," said Lisa as she passed by. 

Keiei blinked. "Well, whatever you're talking about, I don't know how I'd turn people into duel cards even if I wanted to. It'd probably take some terrible black magic sealed into an innocent-looking artifact from an ancient desert civilization. Or something." 

_Boy, good thing she's not one of those Evil Mary Sues that comes with their own custom-made Sennen Item,_ Yami said with a smile. 

_**This** wasn't in the original story,_ Yugi thought suspiciously. 

Yoh looked up at the front of the room. "Hey, do any of you guys know how long ago the scary teacher lady started on the math lesson?" he asked. 

"No one cares," said Honda, now sporting a black eye and ripped uniform. "She should have retired centuries ago." 

"Where's that blond guy?" said Luffy. 

"Broom closet," said Honda. "Now if you'll excuse me..." Apparently everyone did, because he promptly sat down next to Keiei. Just then Jounouchi, out of nowhere, dove across the desks and tackled Honda to halfway across the room, where they continued fighting. At one point Jounouchi picked up the scary teacher lady and beat Honda over the head with her. 

Yugi sighed and put away his lunch. _How long till the bell rings?_

_Three hours or so,_ said Yami. 

_Can you make it longer?_ Yugi pleaded.

* * *

"And that concludes our broadcast day," said Lisa. "Please tune in next time to 'Rules Are Rules' for the exciting continuation." 

"What's the something wicked, anyway?" said Yoh. 

"The plot. Obviously. Either that or Keiei, I can't remember." 

"You know what's weird?" said Luffy, taking off his school jacket. "I talked to everyone in that class, and none of them are pirates. Who's the pirate you were talking about?" 

The other three stared at him. "You're joking, right?" said Lisa eventually. 

"No," said Luffy. 

"As long as we're talking about pirates, let's go watch 'Pirates,'" Yugi suggested. "I need some humor before Keiei eats my heart." 

"But I need to ask for reviews. Otherwise I won't get them. That's what the whole last snippet is for," Lisa explained. 

Yugi rolled his eyes. "Okay then. Hey, everyone reading! Go watch 'Pirates of the Caribbean' and review it!" 

"That's not what I m--" 

"PIRATES!" Luffy squealed. "Come on, let's go watch 'Pirates'! I'll make the popcorn and drag Yoh onto the sofa!" 

"That's not funny," said Yoh. 


	4. You're So Bad At Ninj4, You're Only A Ni...

Rules are Rules

Chapter Four: You're So Bad At Ninj4, You're Only A Ninj**3**. 

A shameless parody by Taffy. Because nobody has anything better to do nowadays than diss other people's fanfics.

* * *

It was 8:41 Wednesday night, and Lisa was ready to get down to business right away. She didn't even have a randomly appearing mug of hot cocoa to accompany her as she skimmed the latest reviews. "It's amazing," she said, "that though crapfics get A ratings and continuation pleas, badly spelled, this gets relatively well-thought-out reasons why I should stop writing it. But the truth shall persevere. Someone had to do it." 

"Then why didn't anyone?" said Luffy. 

"Fate, I guess," said Lisa. "Either that or I thought of it first. But like the narrative said, we're getting right down to business today with only my favorite reviews answered. First: Unica: I think the word you're looking for is _'astral,'_ not 'astro.'" 

"We could always stargaze anyway," said Yoh wistfully. 

"Fat chance. Jess, thanks for the insight; Shinimegami, lie down before you hurt yourself; Maia, thank you for reviewing what Yugi TOLD everyone to review; SaSaMi7, 'people' is not spelled 'ppl'; Shadow-Specter, I stopped dissing Unica already, now please get over it. Unica did." 

"What about Kelly?" said Luffy. 

"I'm getting there. Kelly Kelly Kelly. You're almost as self-depreciating as I usually am. If 'Meioh' is any indication, you're not my target. But I disagree with you on the fourth wall thing. Breaking the fourth wall is a great tool for humor writing, and employed extensively in this selfsame fic. If not for the broken fourth wall, I wouldn't even _be_ here. It makes it easier to mock things. But it's not for breakage that I'm getting seven years of flames. Literary pyromania... I'll have to write that one down..." 

And she did. She also wrote a little note on how cute Kelly's name sounded. 

"So are we ready now?" said Yoh. "My butt's going numb." 

"Get off it once in a while," said Lisa reprovingly, sending a scowl in his direction. "And yes, we're ready." 

"No we're not," said Luffy. "Yugi's not here yet." 

"Oh yeah, that." Lisa bit her pencil eraser metitatively. "Well, you have to understand. If I hadn't tied him to the school flagpole he'd be in Guadalupe by now. And that's kind of a long way!" she added as Yoh and Luffy rushed hurriedly out the door to rescue their duct-taped comrade.

* * *

After Yugi was released and led tearfully back to the school so the action could resume from the exact point it left off, the action resumed from the exact point it left off. Fortunately, it had been a convenient stopping point and the next scene was after school, much to Yugi's despair. 

"Would you just get over it already?" Yoh grumbled. 

"I can't get over doom," said Yugi. Just then something at Jounouchi and Honda's workstation exploded and started a large fire on their lab table. They high-fived each other quickly before rushing for the fire extinguishers. Yugi remained oblivious. 

"It's the last class. Everyone's going home after this, even Keiei," said Yoh. 

"No, you don't understand," Yugi pleaded, not noticing Anzu rushing to the eyewash to get the boiling stearic acid off of the amazingly somnolent Ryou's hand. "The bad part happens after school. The worse part happens a few days from now." 

"Dare I ask of the superlative?" said Yoh. 

"It was never written," Yugi whispered slowly and deliberately, as if that fact bore some deeper, darker implication. 

"What's the deeper, darker implication?" said Luffy, momentarily giving up on his pirate search. 

"It was never written," Yugi repeated. "I _remember_ the parts that were written. But I only have a vague idea of what _would_ have happened next." 

"And thus it'll be much more difficult to counter," Yoh inferred. 

"Precisely," said Yugi. 

But shortly afterwards, despite all of Yugi's efforts, the end of the day finally arrived. Honda had to drag Ryou home, due to his incredibly bad luck at paper-scissors-rock. Yugi tried to get someone to walk home with him, but Lisa had conveniently thought up an appointment she had to take Yoh and Luffy to, and the porcupine-headed midget ended up going on his own. He'd barely gotten off school property when someone grabbed him by the arm and pulled him around the corner into an alleyway. He'd known it was Keiei the first time it had happened, and he knew it was Keiei now. 

"I need to talk to you," she said plainly. 

"That's nice," replied Yugi, trying to leave the alleyway but held back by Keiei's slender hand. 

"It won't take long. I just want to know more about that pendant," she said a little too innocently for his liking. 

Yugi waved his hand in front of her face. "It's nothing special and you'll leave me alone forever now." 

Keiei scoffed a little. "The thing's solid gold. People don't wear stuff like that all over the place. You'll get mugged." 

"I'm used to it." 

"Where's it from?" 

"Egypt. Go away now." 

An interesting expression crossed Keiei's face. It was sort of a cross between the smugness of a secret well-kept and the triumph of a secret uncovered. "If that's the case," she said, "that means it's very old. And there's a lot we still don't know about Ancient Egypt. There's a lot we still don't know about the past." 

Yugi grimaced. This wasn't the same Keiei from the Mary Sue fic. She was less Mary Sue and more evil. Lisa was doing a very good job on the revision process, he noted. A little _too_ good of a job. 

_I don't like where this conversation is headed,_ said Yami, right on cue. 

_She's different somehow,_ Yugi said. _If she renders my prior knowledge inapplicable, we are the dead._

_I was just saying the plot's getting too serious,_ Yami added. _I don't like it at all. We may well **be** the dead._

_Well, we're not dead yet,_ Yugi said determinedly. 

"What's wrong?" Keiei asked. 

"Your face went too freaky," said Yugi. "You scared me. That's all." 

Keiei's expression grew, for lack of a better word, grey, though her face was still its normal hue. "Be more careful. Someday those aliens in your head will take you away and dissect you." Then almost like magic she left. 

_Aliens?_ Yugi thought after a while. _That's not her line._

Yami grunted dejectedly. _Damn it. I knew those aliens were up to something. I'll call it off right away._

_Don't joke around,_ Yugi sighed as he started anew towards home. _This is serious._

He'd almost gotten to the game shop when Yami said, _They say they'll leave as soon as their ship comes._

_YAmi!_

_What?_

* * *

Yugi was expecting two days to pass in relative quiet after that, but Lisa phoned him the second he got home to tell him they would not, and to prepare accordingly. So he went to the local shrine and picked up some evil-reducing stickers, which he then proceeded to plaster over the walls in his bedroom. He'd finished protecting three of the walls when he heard a distant shout of _"Gum-Gum Rocket!"_, and seconds later, Yoh and Luffy came crashing through the fourth wall, sending plaster in all directions. 

"We came as soon as we could," said Luffy, grinning broadly and not bothering to dust himself off. Yoh just lay bent backwards with his legs on the side of Yugi's desk and the rest of him lying limply on the floor. He didn't seem to appreciate Luffy's taxi service. 

"Well, despite whatever I'm gonna have to pay to get that fourth wall fixed, I'm glad you two are here," said Yugi, relieved. 

"Why?" said Luffy. 

"Because the minute I fall asleep, Keiei's gonna come in here and steal my soul," Yugi explained. "So the logical solution is to stay up all night. And you two are gonna help me." 

"Well, you're on your own here," said Yoh, recovering enough to sit up and dust the plaster off his clothes. "I can't even stay awake through the _DAY_ most of the time." 

Yugi scowled. "I have a GameCube, Yoh." 

"Well, that changes everything!" exclaimed Yoh, brightening considerably. 

"Is that like a Rubik's cube?" asked Luffy.

* * *

So, within a few minutes, the GameCube was set up and the game of Super Smash Brothers Melee was in full swing. For having never seen anything electronic prior to this story, Luffy got the hang of the game remarkably quickly, and was soon beating the crap out of the other two. By the start of the second game, Yugi and Yoh put their professional differences aside and made it a team battle. Luffy still won. The third time they put a handicap on him. He _still_ won. 

"Jeebus, Luffy, ease up!" Yugi protested. 

"I like this game," said Luffy, grinning per his trademark. 

"This is dumb. I wanna play Windwaker," Yoh moaned. 

"That's not gonna keep us awake," said Yugi. "It's one-player, remember?" 

"Yeah, but it'll still keep you awake," said Yoh. "I have no idea how to play." 

Yugi promptly turned off the GameCube and loaded up Windwaker. Yoh plugged his controller into the first-player slot. Luffy looked upset. "Aw, man, I was having fun!" 

_"We_ weren't," said Yoh and Yugi in unison. Luffy sighed and flopped down on the floor as the game booted up. 

Though Yoh held the controller, it was clear Yugi was in charge. From the start he could be heard giving all sorts of advice, no matter how mundane. "Okay, now go down the ladder." 

"Dude, there's nowhere else TO go." 

"Now talk to the old lady." 

"I was already going to talk to the old lady." 

"Now go out the door to the dock." 

"Hang on, I'm not done talking to the old lady." 

About then Luffy stood up and made his way to the kitchen. "I'm gonna get some snacks, guys." 

"You don't _have_ to talk to the old lady." 

"But you said I did!" 

"You don't have to finish." 

**"Hey Yugi, do you have any Cheetos?"** Luffy shouted loudly from the kitchen. 

**"Yeah, they're on the counter!"** Yugi shouted back. 

"Of course I have to finish! I can't get out of the sequence." 

"Yes you can. Just ignore what she's saying." 

"But I wanna see what she's saying." 

**"Are you sure they're there? I don't see them!"**

**"They should be right by the sink! Either that or in the cupboard!** Okay, Yoh, what she's saying isn't important, you just wanna get out of the house." 

**"Where's the Mountain Dew?"**

**"It's in the fridge! Duh!"**

"Okay, I'm outside. How do I use my sword?" 

"You don't _have_ the sword yet." 

"Whaddaya mean I don't have it?! What's the point of that?!" 

"You don't get the sword until your sister gets abducted!" 

**"I'm gonna get a Mountain Dew! Does anybody else want one?"**

**"Get me one, Luffy!** Now since when do I have a sister?" 

"She's the pigtailed kid." 

**"Hey Yugi, do you want a Mountain Dew?"**

**"Naw, can you get me a Cherry Coke?"**

"What do I do with the pig?" 

"You don't do anything with the pig yet." 

**"Hey Yugi, what does Cherry Coke look like?"**

"Then what's the point of having the pig there?" 

"It's for _later!"_

**"Yugi, what's Cherry Coke look like?!"**

**"It's kind of brown and the bottle has a red wrapper!"**

"Can I slice the people?" 

"No, you can't slice the people!" 

Luffy returned triumphantly from the kitchen with a couple of bottles and a bag of Cheetos, and distributed them. "One Mountain Dew for Yoh and one Cherry Coke for Yugi," he said, like a fast food drive-thru guy. Yoh was too absorbed in his game to notice the soda. Yugi opened his without looking away from the screen. 

"Now you need to go in the water." 

"Okay - hey, what - what's that meter? Is that bad?" 

"You _could_ at least say 'thank you,'" said Luffy a bit indignantly. 

"You can make it to the other side," said Yugi, taking a sip of his drink. He promptly spit it back out. _"YUCK!!_ What the heck is this?!" he shouted, looking at the label. "'Chocolate Raspberry Ex-Lax'?!!!" 

"Ex-Lax?" said Luffy innocently, scratching his head. "That's like Cherry Coke, right?" 

Yugi adopted the most murderous look anyone had ever seen on him, fixed on Luffy. "When - I - get - my - hands - on - you ---" Suddenly the look was gone, and Yugi dashed off. "Bathroom!" 

Yoh stifled a laugh. "No worries. He won't be out of the bathroom long enough to get his hands on you for hours." 

Luffy stared in the direction Yugi had gone, perplexed. "I don't get it. Why didn't he go before we left?" 

"We didn't leave, Luffy..." 

Just then there was the sound of sneaking on the stairs. Yoh and Luffy turned around just in time to see a young boy with yellow hair and a bright orange jumpsuit come down the stairs. For a moment he looked at them and they looked at him. Then he said, "Super secret Shinobi training ground?" 

"No, I'm Luffy," said Luffy. 

"No, that's down the street," said Yoh, ignoring Luffy completely. "Go past the school, take a left at the cemetery, straight on till you reach the Pachinko place, then take a left, it's right there, you can't miss it." 

"Thanks, Luffy!" said the boy to Yoh, and vanished up the stairs again. 

"You're welcome! Nice to meet you!" Luffy called, grinning and waving after him. Yoh punched him in the arm, which responded with a lively SPROING sound. "Hey! What was that for?" said Luffy. 

"He meant _me,_ dunderhead," said Yoh. 

"I thought your name was Yoh." 

Just then there was another sound of sneaking on the stairs. Yoh and Luffy turned again just in time to see a thin person, obviously female, dressed all in black with only her eyes and a shiny auburn ponytail totally free of split ends showing. "Aw, crap. What're you two doing here?" she groaned. 

"We're playing Super Duper Crash Family," said Luffy. "Wanna Cherry Coke?" 

"I'll pass," said the girl. 

"We seem to be a ninja magnet tonight," said Yoh casually. 

"Oh, I won't be long. I'm here on business," the girl replied, and looked around. "So, where's Porcupine Head and his pet pharaoh?" 

Just then the toilet flushed and Yugi emerged from the bathroom. Instantly his eyes went wider than they already were, pushing his hairline to the top of his head in the dumbest-looking way possible, and with a loud shout of **_"HOLY SHEEEEEEIT!"_** he all but dove back into the room and slammed the door shut and latched. 

"See, what'd I tell you, Luffy? He'll be there all night now," said Yoh. 

Luffy didn't seem to hear him. "Ninja. Oh, oh, wait, I know this one. It's like, ninj-four." He grinned triumphantly. 

The ninja blinked and looked at Yoh. "Do _you_ know what he's talking about?" 

"It's d4 l33t, b4b3," said Yoh. 

"That makes your name like, j0-, or something," said Luffy. 

"He's still a beginner," said Yoh. 

"Oh, I see," said the ninj4. 

"Can we play Super Mash Masters again?" said Luffy. 

Yoh shrugged and put it in. "Don't see why not, my strategy guide's run off." He held out a third controller to the ninja. "You wanna play? I mean, as long as you're waiting." 

"No, I'll pass," said the ninja. "I haven't played in a while anyway." 

"Your loss," said Yoh, and he and Luffy started up the match. 

_Ten minutes later..._

"Okay... my loss," Yoh grumbled. "Again." 

Luffy grinned and pointed over his shoulder with his thumb, in the general direction of the ninja. "Maybe you'd do better if you had Keiei on your team!" 

The ninja nearly choked on her Cheetos. "Wh-what do you mean, 'Keiei'? I'm not Keiei. I'm not even related to Keiei. I don't even know who Keiei is. There's NO way I could possibly be Keiei." 

"Oh, give it up, Keiei, Yugi screaming kind of gave it away," said Yoh. 

"Really?" said Luffy. "It was the shiny, clean, perfectly groomed hair that tipped _me_ off." 

Keiei groaned. "Aw, just because I like to look nice..." 

"Well yeah, but most ninjas wear hairnets," said Luffy. 

"No they don't!" said Yoh. 

Just then Naruto came downstairs again, wearing a hairnet. "Hey, I followed your directions, but all I found was a burger joint!" 

"Did you turn _left_ at the cemetary?" Yoh sighed. 

Naruto stopped. "Ohhhhhhhh, _left_ at the.... okay, thanks!" Then he left again. 

Keiei paused. "Okay, maybe _some_ ninjas wear hairnets." 

Yoh groaned. "Well, the point is - wait. What _is_ the point?" 

The door to the bathroom opened a crack. "Is she gone?" Yugi called. 

"Nope, I'm still gonna steal your soul as soon as you're done in there," said Keiei sweetly, and the door slammed again. 

"So what do you want with Yugi, anyway?" said Luffy. 

"Oh, it's not really _Yugi_ I've got a problem with," said Keiei. "Nobody who knows Yami has a problem with Yugi. I'm after the pharaoh." 

"But that doesn't explain why-" 

"Let me finish. The way to a pharaoh's heart, as you well know, is through his stomach. And there's nothing a pharaoh can stomach less than the **_agonized screams of his innocent host!"_** (It was easy to tell she was grinning like a psychopath even under her ninja mask.) "And there's no better way to procure the **_agonized screams of his innocent host_** than by procuring the innocent host along with the pharaoh. Besides, it's convenient. They're both right there." 

"What if the pharaoh doesn't have an innocent host?" said Luffy. 

"That's not important. This one does." 

"Man, I sure spotted the flaw in _that_ plan pretty fast!" 

_"It doesn't matter! This pharaoh does!!"_

"But then what've you got against Yami?" said Yoh. 

"I'm sorry, all questions must be submitted in writing," said Keiei. "When do you think he's gonna be done in here? I've got school in the morning." 

"Probably as soon as you leave," said Yoh. 

"Oh, this is ridiculous," said Keiei. "He can't keep stalling forever." 

Luffy laughed. "Ha ha! Stalling!" 

Keiei paused. "Um. Right. As I was saying..." 

"Ahhhhhh, you want to move the plot along," said Yoh, nodding. "I understand. But you'd have to be pretty bold to ask me and Luffy for help. I mean, Yugi's our friend. We can't go back on friendship." 

Keiei scowled. "I'll give you twenty bucks apiece." 

"Done!" the boys exclaimed in unison. A few seconds later there was a scream from the bathroom, and shortly afterwards, a beautiful, scantily clad young woman came out, giggling, and deposited Yugi in the middle of the floor. 

"Thank you, Miss Hanako!" said Yoh with a grin. 

"Anytime, honeybuns," the girl said seductively, and planting a smooch on Yoh's cheek, she returned to the bathroom. The sound of flushing signaled her departure. 

"That girl was almost as hot as I am," Keiei said in disbelief. 

"I wish _she_ was my fiance," said Yoh, bright red and drooling. Luffy grabbed a napkin off the floor and dried off Yoh's face with it. 

"Right. Well, let's get down to business," said Keiei, whipping out a couple of playing cards. 

Yugi was shaking like a leaf. _Yamiiiii.... do something......_

_What am **I** supposed to do?_ Yami protested. 

_I don't know! Hide me!_

There was a flash of light from the Puzzle and then there was Yami. "Well what the hell d'ya expect _me_ to do?!!" he shouted. 

"I would suggest screaming like a little girl," said Keiei casually. 

"If it's all the same to you, I'll just run," said Yami, and he jumped up and made a dash for the back door. 

"Oh no you don't!" Luffy shouted. "I'm getting twenty bucks for you! _Gum-Gum Pistol!!_" With that, he threw his fist halfway across the house and slammed Yami in the back of the head. Yami fell down, unconscious. The other four gathered around his unmoving body. 

"I think you'll all remember this as the day that Captain Jack Sparrow _almost_ escaped," said Luffy triumphantly. 

"Is he gonna be okay?" said Naruto. 

"Why are you still here?" said Yoh. 

Keiei bent down and pressed the cards gently to Yami's back. Yami twitched a little, then lay still. "You're mine," Keiei hissed with a very evil-looking smirk. Then her expression returned to normal. "Okay, I'm done here. Can I use the phone? I need to call my ride." 

"Sure, I guess," said Yoh. "It's on the counter there." Keiei nodded and crossed the kitchen to the phone. 

"What about my twenty bucks??" said Luffy. "I'm not gonna betray my friend to pain, torture, and almost certain death for _free,_ y'know!" 

Keiei rolled her eyes and pulled out a couple of twenties, handing one to Luffy and the other to Yoh. Naruto pouted and held out his hands. "Hey, can I have twenty bucks too?" 

"Why do _you_ deserve twenty bucks?" Keiei groaned. 

"I'm a ninja!" said Naruto with a grin. 

"Oh, well if _that's_ the case, sure," said Keiei, handing him a twenty too. Naruto did a little dance. 

A few minutes later, a car pulled up and the doorbell rang. "Oh, there's my ride," said Keiei sweetly. "I'll see you guys all later." With that she opened up the door and walked out. "Hiya Honda. Let's get going." 

"Sure thing, sweetcheeks!" said Honda, grinning, and the door closed behind them. 

"Bye, Keiei!" said Luffy, waving. 

"Bye, free money person!" said Naruto at the same time. 

Yoh sat down next to Yugi's vacated body, which was now starting to drool on the floor. "Well, what're we gonna do with this thing now?" he asked. "We can't just leave him here." 

"I say we send him to the hospital and then go into his room and divy up his stuff!" Naruto declared. 

"Ooh! Free stuff!" said Luffy, jumping up and down. 

"I'm starting to wonder if we should have done that," said Yoh. "I mean, selling somebody else's soul for twenty bucks. That's really gonna give us guilt." 

"Only after we spend the money," Luffy corrected. 

Yoh paused. "Hm. You do have a point there. Okay, let's call 911. I've got dibs on his wall scrolls!" 

Luffy and Naruto cheered.

* * *

"Some friends _you_ are," Yugi grumbled. 

"Hey, cut us some slack," Luffy protested. "I mean, she did give us _twenty bucks."_

"Why did you put Naruto in the story, anyway?" said Yoh. 

"Because I _**can,"**_ said Lisa. "I'm the author, remember? I can make you guys do anything I want." 

"That's pretty scary," said Naruto. "Hey, have you guys seen this stuff at ? It's really awesome!" 

"Including celebrity endorsements, it would seem," said Yugi, scowling. 

Lisa cackled. "Oh yes. You have no idea of my awesome power. Maybe I'll get to some real satire next chapter." 

"How many more months will that be?" Yoh moaned. 

"Shut up, headphone boy," Lisa growled. "Or better yet, endorse me!" 

"I'm sorry, Lisa. You're the best author in the whole wide world," said Yoh. 

"And don't you forget it!" 


	5. The Sixth Chapter

Rules Are Rules

Chapter Six: Oh My God! They Killed Kenny! 

A shameless parody by Tafkae. You bds!

* * *

It was 10:08 PM Monday night. Lisa decided she would finally get to writing chapter six. It was odd, she had gone to her e-mail and had told her her story was removed. She quickly grabbed the rest of the reviews and posted all of them on her website so that people could find them through her userpage on itself. 

"How'd this happen?" Yugi asked incredulously, sitting next to the computer and reading over Lisa's shoulder. 

"I armed my enemies," Lisa sighed. "I got careless and decided to make fun of short chapters. Someone must have reported me for it to get it removed, now that they had a reason. Thus, I'm not reuploading chapter five. I won't make that mistake again no I will not." 

"Thus why this chapter is chapter five in the dropdown, but chapter six in the heading," said Yoh. 

"Precisely." She promptly loosed a rabid, deranged Kakashi clone with antlers on whoever had reported her and had her removed. 

"Now where were we?" It had been a while since she'd last read chapter four, and she proceeded to skim it quickly to refresh her memory. 

"Ah, all right. So Yami and Yugi have just had their souls stolen, and Yoh, Luffy, and Naruto were divying up his stuff. I can work with that," she said. Then there was a fancy fading transition...

* * *

... and the boys were up in Yugi's room, divying up his stuff. 

"That was weird," said Luffy. 

"Cinematics, Luffy," Yoh reminded him. 

"Ooh, look! A me wall scroll!" said Naruto excitedly, pointing to a Naruto scroll hanging over Yugi's bed. He promptly jumped up on the bed and took it down. 

Just then, the doorbell rang. Yoh went down to answer it, being the only one able to hear it over his own excitement at the volume of anime and gaming crap Yugi had. (A/N: I like making Yugi as much of a geek as my friends ) 

"There's that weird voice again," Yoh muttered halfheartedly on the way down the stairs. He shrugged and opened the front door to the emergency medical technicians. "Turtle Game Shop, open 24 hours tonight only. How may I help you?" 

"Erm, yes," said the head EMT. "We got a 911 call about ..." he looked at the note in his hand "... Yugi. Something about going into a coma all of a sudden?" 

"Oh, yes, him." Yoh pointed into the living room. "He's on the couch in there." 

"By the way, did you know you're supposed to stay on the line when you call 911?" the guy said irritably. 

"Oh, that wasn't me. That was our resident idiot," said Yoh, indicating upstairs. "Anyway, Yugi's over there, go ahead, he's all yours." 

The EMTs scurried into the living room. Yoh was just starting the return journey upstairs when they called him back. "Is this some kind of joke?" the Head Guy asked, now a bit upset. 

Yoh blinked. "No, he's dead from the neck up all right. Why?" 

"He's _not,"_ the EMT said simply. "We'll send you a bill for this. Crank caller." Without another word, they left. Yoh just looked after them for a while, confused, and finally wandered into the living room to see what the hell they were talking about. 

Sure enough, Yugi was sitting up on the sofa, looking around. Yoh's jaw dropped to the floor. Then he picked it back up, reattached it, and started trying to make sense of things. 

"Yugi?!!" he exclaimed. "You're supposed to be dead from the neck up!" 

Yugi looked straight at him, his eyes an eerie shade of green. "I am Grognor of the planet Mookieterracciano," he said in a somewhat metallic-sounding voice. (A/N: Spot the homage to the webcomic artist!) 

"Who keeps saying that?!" Yoh shouted. 

"I represent the barracks in this sector of the mindspace continuum," Yugi/Grognor continued, ignoring Yoh's outburst. "We were formerly being put up by one 'Yami Mutou', but he seems to have vanished. What has become of our gracious host?" 

Yoh's head spun around a few times, then came to a stop. "Waitwaitwait. You mean Yugi was possessed by an ancient pharaoh... _AND_ had aliens living in his head??" 

"That is correct," said Grognor. 

Yoh sighed dejectedly. "Maaan, and all I have is an older-than-dirt samurai..." 

"I'm only older than the topsoil, Lord Yoh!" said Amidamaru before Yoh stuffed him back into his portable gravestone. 

"Please answer our previous question," said Grognor. 

"Right," said Yoh. "Well, Yami's been. erm. stolen. A ninja came and took his soul away." (A/N: Aw man, I tried to write "soul" as "sould" again!!! And I thought I was cured...) 

Yoh finally found the speaker where the voice was coming from, integrated with Amidamaru, and chopped it to pieces with a randomly appearing PVC pipe. 

Grognor applauded lightly. "Your combat skills are impressive, sir." 

"I know," said Yoh. "Now let's get upstairs and introduce you to the others." He started out the door. "And hey, maybe we can figure out what to do with you while we're at it." 

So they went upstairs. They reached the room just as Naruto discovered Yugi's Warhammer 40k pieces and started stuffing them in his pockets with squeals of delight. However, all noise and motion stopped when the other boys noticed Grognor (in Yugi's body) standing in the doorway. That is, until they started hiding the loot behind their backs and making excuses. 

"This thing behind my back is _totally_ NOT your Naruto wall scroll," said Naruto. 

"I _totally_ didn't eat your more expensive Warhammer pieces," said Luffy. 

"Hey, hey, calm down guys, it's not Yugi," said Yoh. "This is Grognor. He's an alien who also happened to be possessing Yugi and who no one but Yami seemed to know about." 

"Greetings," said Grognor. 

"Oh, that's a relief," said Naruto, starting to pick up more Warhammer pieces again. "Man, you'd think a geek like Yugi would have better Warhammer stuff than this. Where's all the more expensive ones?" 

Luffy burped discreetly. 

"That's not the point," said Yoh, exasperated. "What are we going to _do_ with him? It's not like we can take him to school. People would be sure to notice." 

"The teacher wouldn't," said Luffy. 

"She wouldn't notice a thermonuclear war next door," Yoh sighed. (A/N: Remember the senile old fart from chapter 3? Yeah, that's her :3 ) 

"Did you say something?" said Naruto to Luffy. 

"No, it was the radio," said Luffy. Yoh promptly Amidamaru'd the radio to ribbons. Grognor applauded again. 

"If it is all the same to you," said Grognor, "I would enjoy attending an Earth school. The subject is rather fascinating to me." 

"Uh-uh," said Lisa, appearing in a corner and waving her finger. "That would interfere with the plot too much. You'll have to hide him someplace and let everyone think Yugi's dead from the neck up." 

"Then why'd you put Grognor in the story in the first place?!" Yoh groaned. 

"Because it was funny for more than two seconds," said Lisa, and disappeared. 

"Who was that?" said Grognor. 

"The madwoman who controls our fates," said Yoh. 

"I think she's funny," said Luffy. 

"Remarkable how often those two traits coincide," said Naruto wistfully.

* * *

Jounouchi was late for school again the next day. He mumbled an apology to the teacher (who didn't hear a thing or even acknowledge he existed) before taking his seat in front of Ryou (who, fortunately, was awake today). Then he looked around. "Where, uh...... where's Yugi?" 

Honda shrugged. "I dunno. I thought for sure he'd come in before you did." 

"Maybe he died," said Anzu casually. (A/N: XD My friends always say that when one of us is missing...) 

Yoh threw a rock at the intercom speaker, which promptly died as well. 

Ryou narrowed his eyes. He was beginning to get an odd feeling of déjà vû from all this. 

Soon the bell rang, and after a quick introduction of the newest unnoticed student (who happened to be a ninja), the senile lady had another announcement. 

"I regret to inform you that your classmate Yuggie is dead from the neck up," she said flatly. "Now open your books to page--" 

"What do you mean, 'dead from the neck up'?" said Jounouchi. 

"He's in the freakin' hospital. Now shut up and open to page 273 and read along while I try to force my opinions on you." 

Jounouchi began slamming his head on his desk as if trying to force his nose up into his brain. When Honda asked what he was doing, he said, "I don't know, but it's kind of fun!" -- and Honda, half-dead from boredom, joined in. Naruto was about to do the same, but Yoh held him back by his hair. 

"Please, Naruto, you can't afford to lose any more brain cells," he said. 

"You're no fun at all," said Naruto, but Yoh had already gone back to sleep, still gripping the ninj2's hair. Said ninj2 began repeatedly uttering the word, "Ow." 

Luffy, too, was banging his head on the desk for a while, but his head bounced further back every time he did, until the recoil sent him flying out of his chair into the face of the quarterback, who promptly started beating him up with many SPROINGing sounds and very little damage. 

Anzu started praying for Yugi. Ryou looked down at his desk, confused. _I'm **sure** all this has happened before somehow,_ he thought. _Except maybe the rubber kid. _

But how?

* * *

Jounouchi skipped school that day. He just sat under the old tree just past the courtyard, half-asleep, for the longest time. _Yugi... dead from the neck up._ He sighed. _My best friend. ......... Well, maybe second best. ........ Oh, wait, forgot about **that** guy. Okay, third best. .......... Or maybe--_

"Hey, Jounouchi!" 

He looked up. It was Honda. _Oh, forgot about him. Fourth best, then._ "Yo. Hey, where's the rest of the peanut gallery?" 

On cue, Ryou and Anzu appeared out of nowhere with a small pop!, dressed in peanut suits. They looked at each other, looked at themselves, took out giant BACKSPACE keys, and disposed of the peanut suits, and then finally said hi. 

"Hi yourself. Where's Yugi?" said Jounouchi. 

"Dead from the neck up," Anzu's fist reminded him. 

"Oh yes, now I remember," said the bump on Jounouchi's head. 

Anzu sighed in a very puppy-love-ish way and gazed up into the clear blue sky. "I miss him already," she said quietly. 

"Miss who?" said Naruto. 

"When did _you_ get here?" said Honda. 

"I'm a ninja," said Naruto with a grin. 

"That's nice," said Honda, "but _when--"_

"Four lines ago. Weren't you paying attention?" (A/N: OMG my arm itches scratch scratch) 

Just then, with an enraged yell, Yoh as Samurai burst from the building, chasing the boom box rolling by on a skateboard. **_"DEATH! DEEEEEAAAAATH!!!"_** he screamed in an eerie, booming double voice. Seconds later, just off-camera, there were violent sounds of PVC on metal. A bent CD rolled slowly by. Then Yoh came back, his eyes glowing red for a second before he returned to his normal self. "Sorry about that. How are you guys?" 

The others all just stared at him, except Naruto, who waved vigorously, accidentally freeing a kunai knife from his sleeve and killing a nearby gym teacher. And there was much rejoicing. 

"I lose more ninja daggers that way," Naruto sighed. 

"Kunai knives," corrected Honda. 

"That's what I said. Ninja daggers." 

Honda groaned. "You're more like a ninj2 than a ninj4." 

Naruto's eyes widened, and he turned his back indignantly. "I'm rubber and you're glue." 

"Actually, _I'm_ rubber," said Luffy. 

"When did _you_ get here?" said Anzu. 

"I'm a ninja," said Luffy. 

"No you're not," Yoh groaned. 

Luffy grinned. "Yeah, but if I _was_ a ninja, I'd be a ninja." 

"Something's not right," said Ryou, out of the blue, as if he'd been waiting for the other three to assemble, which he hadn't but Lisa had. 

"Whaddaya mean?" said Jounouchi. 

"I don't know," said Ryou. "I just feel like all this has happened before. Somehow." 

Honda raised an eyebrow. "Of course it's happened before. Yugi's in the hospital every other week, remember?" 

"No, not that," said Ryou, glancing off to the side. "I've met Keiei before. Yugi's gone into the hospital _because he had no soul_ before. We've stood by this tree before. And I just know Keiei will come up and talk to us any second now." 

He looked back to find Naruto sitting on Yoh's head, both inches away from his face and closely inspecting him. "Um, what're you doing?" he asked. 

Yoh looked up at Naruto. "He has _the gift,"_ he said ominously. 

"Is it his birthday?" said Luffy, confused. 

"No, the _gift,"_ said Yoh. "The same one Yugi had. _He remembers the original story!_ He knows what happens next! Isn't that right, Ryou?" 

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Ryou. 

"Can I have a gift too?" said Luffy. 

"No. It's not your birthday," said Honda. 

"Aw, maaan," said Luffy. 

Just then a Very Hot Girl Named Keiei (no relation to less hot girls named Keiei) dropped out of the tree, landing nimbly on her feet. "Laliho!" she exclaimed with a big smile. 

"See? _See?!_ It's the _gift!"_ said Yoh. 

"What're you doing here?" said Anzu. 

"Who cares?" said Jounouchi and Honda, both drooling. 

"Oh, I just wanted to invite you all to a party," said Keiei, and began passing out nicely perfumed invitations with an address and a time on them. 

"Is it a ninja party?" said Naruto excitedly. 

Keiei giggled. "Well, I guess it could be, if any ninjas show up." 

Ryou looked at his invitation suspiciously. "'Bring your soul'?" he read aloud. 

"What's a party got if it ain't got soul?" said Keiei innocently. 

"She's got a point," said Jounouchi. 

"All right then, I'll see you there!" she said happily. Then she threw a ninja smoke thing to the ground and when the smoke cleared, she was gone. 

There was a pause. "That was awesome," Honda said at last. 

Naruto did a dance on Yoh's head. "Nin-ja! Par-ty! Nin-ja! Par-ty!" 

"It's a trap," said Ryou. 

The others glanced at him. "A trap?" Honda asked in disbelief. "From Keiei? No way. Did you see how she smiled at us?" 

"Yeah! And even if it is, how would you know?" said Jounouchi. 

Yoh gestured at a giant neon sign nearby that said, "THE GIFT!" 

Ryou rolled his eyes. "Apparently, I have 'the gift,'" he said, using his fingers as quotation marks. "Whatever the hell _that_ is. But I _know_ she has something to do with Yugi going dead-from-the-neck-up. Somehow or other." 

"Yeah, ain't she a babe?" said Jounouchi dreamily. Everyone else except Honda (who was swooning over his invitation as well) sweatdropped. 

(IMPORTANT A/N: "Sweatdrop" is not a word. It is not a noun or a verb or an adjective. In fact, until anime came along---) 

The transistor radio near the door exploded into a million pieces, except this time it was from about fifteen shuriken hitting it all at once. Yoh gave Naruto a thumbs-up. "Good work, man." 

"That wasn't me, actually," said Naruto, "I think it was Keiei." 

"Whatev. It's gone, anyway." 

Just then Honda looked at his watch. "Holy timepieces! I have to get home by a few minutes from now or I'll miss my TV show! I'll see you guys at the party," he said quickly, and took off. 

Everyone stared after him. "Well, I guess we have to go now," said Luffy. "We can't just let him get his butt kicked on his own." 

"What're you talking about, Goodyear-boy?" said Anzu. 

"Yeah, it _has_ been a good year!" laughed Luffy.

* * *

Lisa quickly checked the file size of this chapter, compared it to those of previous chapters, and decided one more scene wouldn't hurt.

* * *

The building was huge. It might have been a mansion once, maybe along the lines of fifty, sixty years ago. Now it was a derelict old wreck. They stood in front of it for a long time before Honda finally said what everyone was thinking. "Uh, guys? Why hasn't this place been torn down yet?" 

"If it had, there wouldn't be any settings sufficiently ominous and creepy for the next scene," said Yoh. He was now decked out in his black-and-orange yeah-I-mean-business-bub outfit, and carried a nicely polished PVC pipe instead of his usual slightly dented one. 

"D'ya think it's haunted?" asked Jounouchi. 

"Yeah, probably," said Luffy. 

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Anzu moaned. "There's _no such things as ghosts."_

"I represent that remark!" said Amidamaru indignantly. 

Ryou started up the kudzu-infested outside stairs, and was followed by pretty well everyone else there. "No, this is wrong," he said quietly. "This is wrong," he said louder. "We'll go inside and she'll freeze the door solid shut behind us. And then she'll start taunting us, and we'll all get suckered into a duel with our lives on the line." 

"Go ahead," said Yoh. "Just _TRY_ and tell me you don't believe in _the gift._" 

"We shouldn't go in there," Ryou suggested to the others. 

"Oh no," said Jounouchi. "You're not gonna keep Keiei all to yourself. I ain't that gullible." He roughly shoved Ryou aside and pushed open the doors like Aragorn at Edoras. "Oh Keeeeiii-eeeeii! I'm hoooooome!" 

Keiei was there all right, sitting on the old rotting bannister near the top of the stairs, sporting a nice purple miniskirt and a T-shirt with the London Underground logo on it. She smiled and waved. "Hello, everyone! You're just in time." 

"No we're not," said Naruto, looking around. "Where's Grognor?" 

"Who's Grognor?" said all the Yu-Gi-Oh characters present. 

"You invited _Grognor?!"_ Yoh exclaimed in disbelief. 

Luffy leaned out the door. "That's funny. He said he'd be here. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to start the party without him!" he laughed, coming back inside. 

"So, what's a nice girl like you doing living in a dump like this?" said Jounouchi flirtatiously. 

"Oh, I don't _live_ here," said Keiei as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "It's just this place is very convenient. No one comes here anymore, you see. They all believe that bullcrap about it being haunted." 

"Actually, I think it _is_ haunted," said Yoh, holding up his forefinger. 

Ryou's eyes widened. "No way. Nowaynowaynoway," he whispered, backing up toward the door. 

Keiei noticed. "Aw, where're you going, little Ryou?" she said, sticking out her lower lip so far you could land a B-52 on it. "The party hasn't even started!" 

Behind them all, the door slammed. Keiei pointed at it and a bolt of blue lightning flashed from her finger to freeze it solid shut, which Anzu quickly confirmed by saying, "It's frozen solid shut!" 

"Hey now, that wasn't very nice!" said Luffy, whose foot was caught in the ice. (A/N: XD it rhymes!) 

Yoh's eyes darted around the room, trying to find where the speaker was _this_ time. 

"What're you up to, anyway?" said Honda, who was starting to replace his infatuation with Keiei with common sense. 

Keiei held up two playing cards between her fingers, face out. "Does this help anything?" 

Jounouchi squinted. "Beaver Warrior and Kuriboh. So?" 

Keiei blinked. "Oops. Wrong cards." She put them back in her deck and started searching her deck for the right ones. After a few minutes, she found them with a loud "Aha!" and displayed them. "How about _these?"_

On the cards were beautifully rendered pictures of Yugi and Yami, albeit in weird outfits. Naruto squinted and looked them over, then grinned in recognition. "Hey, Yoh, Luffy, isn't that the guy whose soul we sold for twenty bucks apiece?" 

Everyone else picked one of the non-Yu-Gi-Oh characters and glared daggers. Yoh grimaced. "Uh, Naruto, ix-nay on the oul-selling-say..." 

"Oh, it doesn't matter," Keiei sighed. "The point is, they're my hostages. And if you want them back, you're going to have to play a little game with me." 

"Whaddaya mean?" said Jounouchi irrita

* * *

Lisa put down her pencil and yawned. "Well, that's it for this chapter. Join us next time for the exciting conclusion." 

Yugi, in his only appearance this chapter, picked up the manuscript and looked through it. "You can't end a chapter like this!" he protested. 

"Yes I can." 

"You left off in the middle of a _word!"_ Yugi exclaimed. 

"Yeah, I wanna see what happens next," Luffy whined. 

"Yeah, me too," said Yoh, polishing the PVC pipe. "Can't you just extend the chapter to the end of the scene?" 

Lisa sighed. "Honestly, guys, I can't. This is where the original crapfic left off. I have to wing it from here, and I'm not quite ready to do that just yet. But it will come, it will come. We will persevere." 

"You're just stopping because your mom says you have to get off the computer in seven minutes or she'll **_EAT YOUR PATHETIC MORTAL SOUL,_** isn't it," said Naruto. 

"That's another reason," said Lisa. "Please read, review, and don't remove or I'll sic Antler Kakashi on you again. You bds." 

"That's a bad word," said Luffy. 


	6. Chapter 7: Chase Closed

Rules Are Rules

Chapter Seven: Chase Closed 

A parody by which Tafkae mercilessly mocks her own older works. If you've written something like this, though, pretend it has your name on it.

* * *

Ten and a half months passed. 

From out of the darkness, an author appeared. She sat herself down in the pitch-black cobweb festival that had once been her living room, pulled out a typewriter, and began to clickety-clack away as though nothing had happened. 

The typewriting attracted the other denizens of the place. They peered around the corner, not sure if it was possible - had she really returned, after all this time? It took them all a moment or four to realize the truth. Another for it to sink in. 

Then the four of them jumped her with a collective shout of "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" 

"Wow, nice to know I was missed!" laughed Lisa. 

"Nice nothing!" said Naruto. "I wanna see what happens next!" 

Lisa groaned and shooed the guys away from the typewriter. "Then get back already! Let's keep the author's note short for a change and pick up where we left off as if nothing ever happened!" 

So they did.

* * *

-bly, clenching his fists. Keiei just shot him an odd look. "Well, we have to duel for them. That's how it always works. You'll put your immortal soul on the line, and I'll put up a couple of playing cards." 

"That's not a good prize," Luffy whined, but nobody was listening. 

"Fine, whatever," said Jounouchi. "I'd do almost anything to get Yugi and What's-His-Name back, except for flushing myself down a toilet and having to face the sewer gators in hand-to-hand combat and then getting filtered through a treatment plant and then dumped into the ocean with a bunch of cooked sewage and months later I'd come out of a faucet in Shanghai. I wouldn't do _that."_

"Oh, darn," said Keiei dejectedly, snapping her fingers. "You're no fun at all _and_ you're making me resort to Plan B early. My second choice was a mansion-wide game of Tag, and that's not _half_ as much fun as watching you flush yourself down a toilet and have to --" 

_"Tag?"_ said Anzu. "Why Tag, of all things?" 

Keiei paused. "Well, you have to understand. See, I don't want to give my money over to the evils of corporate America just for booster packs, so I make all my own cards." She held up a few other cards, and the group gasped - she had one each for everyone present, including Yoh, Luffy, Naruto, and even Amidamaru. 

Yoh guessed what she was going to say next and hefted his PVC pipe at the ready. "That's really low. That's lower than low. And here you said you don't believe in ghosts, neither!" 

The Evil One blinked. "Oh, come on. You didn't catch that? After EVERYTHING I've said so far has been a complete bold-faced _lie,_ you went and believed me on something?" 

"Yes. Yes I did." 

"Well, you're stupid. Anyway, what I had in mind was, I get to be It first, and you all have to run away from me. If I catch you, I steal your soul and you forfeit your turn as It because you're dead from the neck up." 

Honda raised his hand. Keiei rolled her eyes and pointed. "Yes, Antenna Head?" 

"Can I please be It first? I never get to be It," said Honda. 

"No." 

"Pretty please with a cherr-" 

_**"NO!**_ Argh, I don't have time for this." She hopped down from the balcony and turned to face the wall. "I'm gonna count to ten and when I get done, you'd all better be running, got it? ONE." 

The gang apparently didn't need to be told twice. They split up and about half of them each ran down the east and west wings. By the time Keiei got to "THREE," the only one left in the foyer was Luffy, because as you'll remember, his foot was stuck to the door with a thick layer of ice. 

"FOUR." Luffy struggled, but the ice wouldn't give! 

"FIVE." He tried to punch his way out, but his fists just bounced off the ice. 

"SIX." He slammed his head against the ice, but it kept slipping and could never firmly connect. 

"SEVEN." He stretched his arms to the bannister and tried to pull himself out, but he was just too stretchy and couldn't get enough tension. 

"EIGHT." Time was running out. Luffy sproinged back to normal size and thought as hard as he could. And it came to him - aha! 

"NINE." 

"TWO!" he shouted. 

"THREE," said Keiei. 

The seven seconds he managed to buy himself were quite enough to pick up the phone, dial up a gypsy, get her to free his foot from the ice, and vanish down the west wing without a trace. 

"Ready or not, here I come!"

* * *

Honda, Anzu, and Yoh ducked into a side room and locked the door behind them. Honda grinned. "She'll never find us in here," he said. "And look, we can stay here forever! We have all the provisions we'll ever need." 

Yoh looked around. They were in a bathroom. "Um, I don't know about you two, but I'm not keen on the idea of eating soap for the rest of my life." 

Honda scowled. "Don't be silly. There's also fruit-flavored shampoo! It's got Vitamin D," he added. 

Anzu groaned. "You moron! She'll have to go eventually, and then we're doomed!" 

"So there are really no other bathrooms in the mansion?" said Yoh incredulously. 

"Not that I've seen," said Anzu. "And you know, us women know these kind of things. We can _sense_ nearby bathrooms. It's part of our herding instinct." 

"I wouldn't know," said Yoh. 

And they waited. 

After a few minutes, it became clear that the bathroom had indeed proved itself a safe hiding place for the moment, and the camera moved to another part of the old house...

* * *

... where Jounouchi, Ryou, and Naruto were finding themselves _much_ more closely pursued. 

_"SHE'S GAINING ON US!"_ cried Jounouchi. No, seriously, he was in tears. 

And indeed Keiei _was_ gaining on them, much faster than one would have anticipated. She already had their three cards out and at the ready, and a Cheshire grin on her beautiful face. It wasn't long before the boys found themselves cornered - which is to say, the hallway turned, and they were in the corner. Naruto, in all his dimwitted valor, stepped forward. "You guys keep going," he said, "I'll take care of _her."_

Jounouchi and Ryou bolted down the next hallway; it would be quite a while before Naruto saw them again. He stood in the middle of the hall like a gaggle of high-school freshmen, blocking Keiei's path. "C'mon," he invited her, "ninja versus ninja! Mano a mano!" 

Keiei grinned and shook her head. "Oh, come on. You're not a ninja. You're not even a ninj3. You're like, a ninj-negative-two. If that." 

Naruto glared. "I am _too_ a ninja!" 

"Prove it." 

Naruto stood and began ticking off the evidence. "Well, I have a ninja headband, I've got a bunch of ninja stars, also a whole bunch of ninja daggers, fancy ninja shoes, AND I have a ninja instructor!" -- at which point he pulled Kakashi out of... somewhere. Kakashi was reading some manga book and didn't seem to notice he'd been Special Summoned. 

"Come on, sensei, tell this girl I'm a ninja," Naruto pleaded. 

Kakashi held up one finger and made them wait while he finished the page he was on. Then he looked up and sized Naruto up for a second. He thought for a moment, and then said, "No." 

"NO!" 

"Not even close. You're like, a ninj-negative-two. If that." He glanced over at Keiei. "Whoa-ho-ho! And you're _definitely_ no match for that girl there. She's probably a ninj-3-and-a-half or 4. Now if you'll excuse me, I have two new volumes that just came in and I need to finish them please," he said, holding up the Some Manga Book. With that, he dispensed some ninja smoke and walked calmly away, still reading. 

Naruto shattered and fell to the floor in a hundred pieces. Keiei obtained a dustpan and whisk broom and came back to sweep him up, but by the time she got back from the broom closet, the other ninja had reassembled himself and was back in an unorthodox fighting stance. 

"All right," he said, "you're in for it now. Prepare to face the wrath of... THE NINE-TAILED FOX SPIRIT!1!1one" 

Nothing happened. 

"Paging the nine-tailed fox spirit," said Keiei dryly. "Nine-tailed fox spirit, your party is waiting at the Information desk." 

Naruto sobbed and turned to dust. Keiei swept him up into a Ziploc bag and whipped out his card. "I wonder if it'd hurt to have your soul stolen when you're made of sand," she wondered aloud, then shrugged and did it anyway.

* * *

As long as it was on her route, she went after Jounouchi and Ryou next. They noticed rather quickly. 

"The ninjaman has failed in his quest," said Jounouchi. "Farewell, NaROOto. May thy lack of fashion sense live on forever in infamyeth." 

"Less talking, more running," Ryou panted. 

The second they rounded the next corner, Ryou yanked them both into the nearest room and closed the door. He waited with his ear against it for a minute, then sighed in relief. "I think we've lost her." 

"That's good," said Jounouchi, "I was starting to get-- _HOLY MOTHER OF SANTA CLAUS!"_

Ryou turned to see what it was his friend had found, and saw, in the corner of the room, a girl ninja decked out in all her formal ninja gear, with a ponytail in the back of shiny, clean, perfectly groomed, split-ends-free auburn hair. And she was staring right at them. 

"How did you get here before us!" Ryou protested. 

"Um, _duh,_ she's a ninja, remember?" said Jounouchi. 

"What are we gonna do?" Ryou hissed. 

Jounouchi smirked. "Just leave this to me, then. Keiei Yammynofo, I challenge you to a DUEL!" 

Keiei didn't respond. She just stood there, her eyes boring holes through Jounouchi's skull. Not literally. 

"What are you, chicken?" Jounouchi teased, a little nervously. 

"Don't provoke her," said Ryou, but Keiei still didn't respond. 

Cautiously, Jounouchi walked closer to her and poked her hand. Then, surprised at her lack of response to outside stimuli, he poked her hand again. Then again. Then he took hold of it, and his eyes went wider than Yugi's, if such a thing is possible. 

"Cold, clammy skin... slow reflexes... steady, glazed-over look in the eyes... this can only mean one thing..." He gulped. _"KEIEI'S A ZOMBIE!"_

Without further ado, he went on to make a lot of further ado, yelling and screaming and running around in circles until he accidentally tripped over a chair and WHAM! -- hit his head on the fireplace mantle. He fell unconscious immediately. 

Just then, the door opened and Keiei stuck her head in. Ryou did a double-take. "But you -- and that -- and zombies -- or something along those lines --" he stammered. 

Keiei surveyed the scene. "I _thought_ I heard something. Oh look! I was wondering where I'd left that wax statue of myself. Well, thanks for finding it for me." 

"You're welcome," said Ryou absently, his brain officially broken. 

"Oh, you're so polite. You must be a really sucky card. How nice! Your friend's all gift-wrapped and holding still and everything." She crossed the room to where Jounouchi was and quickly entrapped his soul in his particular playing card, which, incidentally, was one whose art she was especially proud of. Then she turned back to Ryou. "Thanks again for not leaving while my back was turned. Now it's your turn!" she said pleasantly. "Ready?" 

"Yeah, sure. -- I MEAN NO! No I'm not!" Ryou exclaimed, and tried to make a break for the door, but he quickly found himself pinned to the wall by several dozen shuriken. 

"Splendid! I'll just take your first answer." Keiei walked calmly over to him and pressed his card to his forehead. It stuck and hung there by itself for a moment. "Oh, I'm curious. Any last words?" she asked. 

Ryou furrowed his brow, trying to think of something important. It came to him quickly. "You've forgot something," he said. 

Keiei thought for a second. "Damn! So I did. I left the coffeepot on. Well, that's enough. I'm kind of tired of your accent anyway. If you're going to fake an English accent, at least make it Scottish or something." 

"Hey, English does NOT encompass Scot--" 

He didn't finish before he passed out. Keiei retrieved his card, went to search for the survivors, and in her hurry, also forgot to take him down from the wall.

* * *

Meanwhile, Luffy was lost. 

"It's not as if you can blame me," he grumbled as he searched for any kind of landmark. "It's a big house and every hall looks exactly the same as every other hall..." 

However, if he was going to evade Keiei for very long, he would have to figure out where he was in relation to what and whom, and that meant he had to keep going rather than wait for a rescue party. (Ordinarily he would have; however, he had figured, in a rare moment of brilliance, that either everybody else was already hiding, or Krispy Kremes were low in trans fat.) As he continued his walk, he found that the hall he was in at the moment was a dead end, ornamented with the second biggest mirror he'd ever seen. Naturally, he took a moment to make funny faces at the mirror, giggling after each one. 

He was in the middle of stretching his nose as far as his arms would go when he heard a loud CRASH through the door to his left. Startled, he dropped his nose, which subsequently drooped down to the floor. Looping it around his arm so as not to trip over it, he opened the door a bit to see what had made the noise. 

Well, how about that! The door led right back to the front foyer and grand staircase, though he was upstairs now despite that he didn't remember having _gone_ upstairs. The front door was still frozen solid shut, unfortunately, and even more unfortunately, not far from the door was Keiei. She had stumbled and knocked over a table that used to have a porcelain lamp on it but now had a bunch of broken porcelain next to it. The ninja cursed as she tried to put the lamp back together. Luffy quickly shut the door, which, interestingly, quacked instead of slammed, and put his back to it. _Maybe she didn't see me,_ he thought. 

He was mistaken. Soon he heard ominous footsteps on the stairs, and then footsteps outside his door, and finally a knock on the door itself. "Who is it?" he asked. 

The person outside paused. "I have an extra large pizza for a ... Captain Luffy?" she said at last. 

"Oh. Is it a 'Meat Lovers'?" said Luffy. 

The voice paused again. "Did you _order_ 'Meat Lovers'?" she asked. 

"Well, I don't _remember_ ordering it, but if I ordered a pizza I would want it to be a 'Meat Lovers'," said Luffy. "Only without the sausage. I just like it with pepperoni, bacon, Canadian bacon, and pineapple." 

"I hate to break it to you, sir, but pineapple's not a meat." 

"Sure it is! You just need to use your imaginaaaation." 

The voice groaned. "Oh, for the love of - look, whatever it is you just said, that's the pizza I've got, and you owe me $7.99 and I take credit cards too." 

"Wow, these pizza places really think of everything," said Luffy. "Okay, just a minute, let me go get my wallet." 

"Um, wait wait wait! Could you at least let me in first? It's, um... snowing. And cold." 

"Certainly!" said Luffy, and in a more common moment of Luffy Brilliance, he swung the door open. Of course, it was Keiei, and she immediately tried to slap a card onto his forehead. He ducked just in time, and it barely grazed his shoulder, leaving a thin line of blood. Almost instantly a small army of Dubber Gnomes jumped out of little panels in the walls and cleaned up his arm, then stuck a Power Rangers Band-Aid on the wound. 

"Dubber Gnomes?" said Luffy, a little weirded out. 

Keiei scoffed. "Yeah. Keep them away from your vocal cords at all costs, kid." 

Luffy shrugged, and the fight began anew. 

The first thing he did was slingshot himself to a suit of armor at the other end of the hall. The armor fell over with an even louder **CRASH** than the ex-porcelain lamp had made, but Luffy made it to the end of the hall and bolted off away from the ninja. The ninja just blinked for a second, then grinned and ran after him. "Oh, huz_ZAH!_ You're going to make a _wonderful_ card!" 

You would have to be there to fully appreciate the beauty of this chase scene. Keiei had the advantage of ninja-speed, but Luffy had a much, much longer stride than her, so the gap between them closed only slowly. In the meantime, both sides displayed some astounding acrobatics which were so cool it would be impossible to do them justice in words. 

After a few hours of this, Luffy began to tire. Keiei did not, since she was a ninja. 

"That's not fair," said Luffy to no one in particular, and indeed it wasn't fair, but that's just the way the world works, end philosophical commentary. 

Anyway, Luffy was starting to get tired. Finally out of breath, he stopped suddenly in the middle of the hall. Keiei, unable to stop in time, ran right past him and skidded into the suit of armor at the end, sending it crashing down on top of her. The pirate didn't seem to notice until she extricated herself from the pile of assorted metal and shouted, "You. Are. So. DEAD!" 

"No I'm not," said Luffy, who was feeling rather vivacious now that he'd caught his breath. 

Keiei kiaied or something and sprang down the hall toward him; he yelped and dove to the side, opening (or rather, inadvertantly knocking down) the first door he smashed into. Unfortunately for everyone, it was the door to the bathroom. 

Luffy looked up from his position lying on the former door but presently wooden rug. "Hi guys!" he said, waving. 

The three who had been hiding there panicked. "YOU **IDIOT!**" Yoh shouted in all capital letters. "You led her right to us, didn't you!" 

"We're doomed! We're forever doomed!" wailed Anzu. 

"Whuffle fuh bufflebruf?" said Honda, whose mouth was full of soap. 

"Oh, it's okay, guys," said Luffy. "We can lock the door!" He rolled off the door and proceeded to lock the doorknob. The other three groaned, and Keiei appeared hanging down from the top of the doorway. She grinned under her ninja mask. (When she had changed clothes was uncertain but probably not long after the wax sculpture incident.) 

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's--" 

"Don't say it!" cried Honda. 

"--your card," Keiei finished, and threw it at him. He caught it; it electrocuted him. He fell smoldering and motionless to the ground. Was he dead? Of course not! Nobody really dies in this show, as you'll remember. So Honda was either trapped for all eternity in a playing card, or had crossed the threshold into the Shadow Realm. Not a great choice, but then, that's why Keiei was an _Evil_ Mary Sue. 

Yoh and Luffy stepped to block the doorway. "Anzu, jump out the window and go for help!" Yoh shouted. 

Anzu adopted a "fighting" stance she'd learned in her Tae Bo class. "Are you kidding? Even though I've only known you for a day and a half, we're friends to the end, and friends never abandon friends to the forces of unfriendliness!" 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WOMAN! We're trying to save your _life_ here!" 

"That's irrelevant! If we all work together, we'll all survive! Or at least, most of us. That's the power of friendship!" 

Luffy grinned. "Yeah! She's right, Yoh. If we work as a team, we're sure to primeval!" 

Yoh just stared at them in disbelief. "You're off your nut. Both of you! And Luffy - do you even know what 'primeval' means?" 

"Are you QUITE finished?" Keiei yawned. It actually sounded more like "Ah you QUI fisht?" but they knew what she meant. Not to say that they all knew _correctly._

"Who are you calling a fish?" said Luffy indignantly. "I'll have you know I can't even swim." 

"I'll keep that in mind," said Keiei, dropping down to the floor and somehow landing on her feet. "Now whenever you're all ready, let's begin." 

Anzu, amusingly, attacked first, scratching at Keiei's face as only Anzu could. "I'll hold her off!" she shouted, "You guys go for help!" 

Yoh was now thoroughly disgusted. "I will do NO SUCH THING," he said, and integrating with Amidamaru, he sprang forward and smacked Keiei's hands away from Anzu - right _after_ she stuck the card to the other girl's forehead. Anzu collapsed. 

"And to think she could have avoided all this just by jumping out a window," said Luffy, shaking his head. 

"Are you planning to HELP anytime soon!" Yoh shouted. 

Keiei drew the remaining three cards from her waist sash. Yoh backstepped, trying to think. _She needs those cards to bring us down,_ he figured. _If we can destroy the cards, she won't be able to steal our souls like that._ He smirked. With the skill of the ancient samurai behind him, that was almost no contest. However, they would first need a diversion. 

He glanced at Luffy, and Luffy glanced back at him, and both nodded. Luffy pulled back his leg. "GUM-GUM..." 

Yoh's eyes went wide. "Luffy, no! If you get too close--" 

The pirate swung his leg around, but didn't let it stretch - instead he just kicked off one of his sandals and sent it flying into Keiei's face with the force of a ninety-eight-car freight train. "-- FLIP-FLOP!" he finished. By the time the ninja recovered, the two boys had disappeared. 

Keiei looked around, severely annoyed to put it nicely. "Well, they _can't_ have just vanished... I already took care of the ninja." She bent down and picked up Luffy's shoe. "Well, who knows. Maybe I can find a bloodhound and use this to track them." And with that she headed for the kennel in the backyard, in case any doggies would still be there after fifty years of no one living in the house. 

In the dark crawlspace above the hallway, Luffy and Yoh sighed in relief. "That was close," said Yoh. "Brilliant, but very close." 

"I kinda wish I hadn't done it," said Luffy, "there's something slimy under my foot." 

"You'll live," said Yoh dryly. "Now don't say anything stupid for a minute and let me tell you the plan..."

* * *

Back in her typing room, Lisa leaned back and smiled. "Well, that sounds like a good stopping point." 

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING," said the boys. 

"Will my plan work, and will Luffy and I get our chance to escape?" Yoh demanded. 

"Will I ever get to come back to the story?" Yugi wailed. 

"Will I ever earn the status of ninj4 in my teacher's eyes?" Naruto sobbed. 

"What did Keiei _really_ forget?" said Amidamaru, in his first meaningful line since ... ever. 

"Am I gonna get my shoe back?" said Luffy. 

Lisa pointed at Luffy. "Yes, you'll get your shoe back eventually. As for the others, you're just going to have to come back and find out, eh? I know you don't want to, but then again, I control your fates!" She giggled. 

"Why aren't there any evil _writers_ in manga?" Yugi groaned. 

"Oh, there are. Haven't you read Death Note?" She didn't let him answer. "Anyway, reviews are, as always, appreciated, and flames are, as always, funny to read. You can send either." 

"And then we'd get to call their names stupid?" said Luffy. Telling people their names were stupid was apparently becoming a new hobby of his. 

"Do as you like," said Lisa with a shrug. 


	7. Chapter 8: A Transition Of Sorts

Rules Are Rules

Chapter Eight: I Guess You Could Call This A Transition Of Sorts 

Why do I even put in this little descriptor anymore? I mean, hel-_LO!_ We've already _clearly_ established that this is a parody and it's funny and my friends laugh at it. So I'm not gonna bother repeating it anymore. It's over. No! Yes! LOLZ!

* * *

It was 4:48 PM when Lisa let out a whoop of triumph and dove into her writing room with a grin on her face and a leaf of paper in her hand. "I found it!" she yelled, "I found it!" 

"What is it?" said Yugi, his voice tinged just a bit with dread. 

"The lost page," said Lisa ominously, pulling out a typewriter. 

There was a pause, in which it was obvious the boys expected her to elaborate, but she didn't. Finally Yoh spoke up. "Well...?" 

Lisa had been just about to start typing and seemed a bit miffed that he'd interrupted. "Well what?" 

"Aren't you going to tell us what's _written_ on that lost page?" 

The writer put her hands on her hips. "Now Yoh, what makes you think I'd do a silly thing like that?" 

Yoh hesitated. "Well, the way you said it implied-" 

"Hah. _En tus sueños, señor._ I was just building suspense. Don't worry, I'll let you know when it starts, for whatever good it'll do you." She cracked her knuckles and set her fingers on the typewriter keys. "Now, shall we begin?"

* * *

Back in the real story, Yoh had found a piece of chalk and drawn some stick figures on the wall of the air vent. He crossed them off one by one as Luffy guessed who they were. 

"Yugi. Yugi's brother. Naruto. Anzu. The albino kid with the accent. Antenna Head. The blond kid." The pirate scratched his head. "That's all? I could have sworn we had more than that." 

"Nope, that's all," Yoh sighed. "Now it's up to us to beat Keiei and save everyone else." 

Luffy sat up straight and hit his head on the top of the vent. "Ow!" He put his hand on top of his head to make sure his hat was still there, which it was. "You've gotta be nuts! There's no way we can beat her on our own," he protested. "I mean, she even took out Naruto and he was a ninja just like her!" 

"Not to be rude, Luffy, but Naruto wasn't a very good ninja to begin with. And I know we can't beat her ourselves! What do you take me for?" He shook his head. "Even with your... weird... stretchy powers... and a samurai ghost on our side, it doesn't matter if she can take us out with one hit. We're gonna need reinforcements." 

Luffy thought for a second. "You're probably right," he admitted. Then his face lit up and he snapped his fingers. "Grognor! He was supposed to be coming, wasn't he?" 

"I guess, but I have a feeling he got lost on the way or something. Not that he'd be able to get past the ice barricade at the front door. Anyway, I don't know what help he'd be," Yoh added. "We need something more along the lines of a S.W.A.T. team. Or Rent-A-Zilla." 

"Here's an idea," said Luffy. "We get our butts out of the house _first,_ and _then_ worry about what we do next." 

"Marvelous. Let's do that," said Yoh, looking down through the grate between them. "There're a million rooms in this house. We'll just go into the first one we see and hop out the window." 

They opened the grate as quietly as possible and made sure the coast was clear, then dropped down and landed softly in the hallway. Yoh gestured at the first door he saw, and they tried it, but it was locked. "Well, so much for your plan," said Luffy. 

"Shut up and try the next door," Yoh snapped. "She could be back at any moment." 

"Who?" 

Yoh ignored him and tried the next door. It was also locked. And as they proceeded down the hall, so was the next door, and the next, and the next. All the while Yoh kept getting more and more nervous; he was almost positive he could hear footsteps coming closer. 

After the sixth door refused to budge, Luffy stopped and cast Yoh a condescending look. "Your plan _sucks,"_ he said bluntly. 

"Shhh!" Yoh looked back. "What's that sound?" 

"What sound?" 

There was an odd groaning coming from the ceiling panels. 

A second later, before Yoh even had time to shout a warning, a shadow-type ninja appeared in the hall. Not out of nowhere, actually; she had just come out of the air vent not fifty feet away from them, hence the ceiling groan. Both boys yelped. "Luffy! Break something down!" Yoh shouted in a panic, readying his PVC pipe as Keiei rushed down the hall. Luffy didn't need to be told twice, and punched the door with all his might. It shuddered, but didn't fall yet. Keiei drew two sais and lunged for Yoh, but the latter blocked, and the sais embedded themselves in the pipe up to half its width. 

Luffy punched the door again, and with a massive creak, it fell inwards and crashed to the floor. Yoh abandoned his now-useless weapon and both boys bounded into the room, and crossed it to the curtains drawn over the window. "We're gonna make it!" Luffy exclaimed as he flung open the curtains - 

- and found only a solid brick wall underneath. 

Yoh's face and spirits fell abruptly. "Aw, maaan!" 

"Talk about ironic," said Luffy disgustedly as Keiei, with a triumphant laugh, hurled their cards across the room and took out all three of them (including the ghost) in one move.

* * *

"The end," said Lisa, smiling. Yugi, Yoh, Luffy, and Naruto all started strangling her at the same time. 

"GAK! I was - KIDDING-" she gasped. 

"Oh, sorry," said Naruto as they all let go. "It's just you're usually serious when you say something like that." 

Lisa rubbed her neck. "Where the hell'd you get _that_ idea? I write humor, for crying out loud. And besides, if you killed me you'd never get to see the events of the Lost Page, which is what's coming next. Savvy?" 

"The Lost Page!" exclaimed Yugi. "I remember now! Isn't that the one where Keiei -" 

"Yes, dear," said Lisa, and with that she resumed typing.

* * *

Keiei returned to the ice-sealed foyer at a leisurely pace, humming contentedly. As she walked she ticked off all ten new cards in her hand and smiled. "So at last, I have collected all ten at participating Stealyoursoul-Mart locations." She nodded, but then at the top of the stairs another thought struck her. "Wait. If I got them _all_ in playing cards, who's going to duel me to get them back? Maybe _that's_ what the albino kid meant I forgot..." she muttered. 

"What's that about the albino kid?" said a voice from behind her that was at the same time familiar and unfamiliar, if such a thing is possible. 

Keiei, with her mad ninja reflexes, had already finished whirling to face him by the word "that". A look of mixed surprise and anger crossed her face; the speaker was more or less the albino kid she'd been talking about. I say "more or less" because she was _quite_ certain she had Ryou's soul with her, stuffed inside the card on the top of her deck. So the first word out of her mouth was, understandably, "Wazzaa...! Why are you walking!" 

And then she noticed. His shirt was unbuttoned, revealing a chest that was sexy for him but could probably be called anorexic in the real world, and of course showing off the - I shouldn't have to tell you what. I really shouldn't, you should know this... anyone? ... You're all going to do horrible on the SAT. Anyway, Keiei eyed the Ring and sneered in disgust. "I guess I should have seen that coming, huh?" 

"Yeah, you should've," said Bad Bakura, nodding. 

"Well, what do you want? If you came to be included in the collection, I'm afraid I can't do that, since I didn't actually prepare a card for you, on account of you're supposed to be dead to the _nth_ power," said Keiei impatiently. "Of course, if you want me to make you dead to the _n-plus-oneth --"_

"I've come for what's mine," Bakura replied incisively. 

"What's yours?" Keiei snorted. "None of these are yours. I stole them fair and square." 

"I'm sure you did. But _I'm_ the thief here, and I'd rather not be thieved on, if you please. So just hand over the boy and I won't hurt you as much as I was planning to," said Bakura. 

Keiei looked through her new cards. "Which boy? Apart from Miss Full-On Friendship, they're all boys." 

Bakura rolled his eyes. "The one that stole my face, you idiot." He held out his hand. "Now give him here like a good girl." 

The ninja paused for a moment, then smiled like a Siamese cat. "You're gay, right?" 

Bakura's eyes widened indignantly. "Wha- I'm not gay!" he yelled. 

"Then why do you want him back so badly?" persisted Keiei, moving closer. "He's a pansy, he's boring, he can't do anything right, and he's obviously getting in the way of your deep dark ambitions. What on _Earth_ reason would you have to want him back?" 

"He's good cover! He's the whole _reason_ the pharaoh thinks I'm dead and I can get away with anything I damn well please." 

Keiei waved the pharaoh's card in front of Bakura's face. "But the pharaoh isn't in a position to do anything about it, is he?" 

Bakura sputtered for a second, then regained his composure. "Look, just give me the kid back. Is that so much to ask? He's probably a crappy card anyway." 

Keiei looked at Ryou's card. "Yep. His flip effect is 'this card flips over.' But the fact that you want him so bad is great incentive for me not to give him up without an epic struggle, no matter _how_ much he sucks." She grinned. "Tell you what - I'll duel you for him. How's that sound? If you win, I give you back your boyfriend -" 

_"HE'S NOT---"_

"- and if _I_ win, I get to kill you in a very unpleasant way." She held out her hand. "Is it a deal?" 

Bakura folded his arms and glared. "Not gay." 

Keiei rolled her eyes and pressed a hand to her forehead. "Good Lord, some people just don't know how to take a compliment." 

"Well, get used to-" He did a double-take. "Wait, a _compliment!"_

* * *

Lisa paused for a moment, thinking. "Penny for your thoughts?" said Luffy, tossing her a penny. 

The author caught it. "The duel's gonna be pretty long. And it's gonna be ridiculously bad, since I _still_ both hate and suck at writing duels. I guess I'll cut this short and give the epic battle its own chapter. Sound good to you?" 

"Works for me," said Naruto. 

"I'm game," said Yoh, not recognizing his pun. 

"If it means I finally get to make an appearance, I'm willing to do just about _anything,"_ said Yugi. 

"I want my shoe back!" Luffy whined. 


End file.
